The Cycle Continues

I feel like such a whiner. But, if I don't get it out, it just eats at me so I might as well type away. I made it 10 days before I cried again. Looking back at my blog, my last bad day was August 18th. Here it is, the 29th and the bad days are back.

Why can't I get a break from this? It's eating away at me and really sucking the life out of me. I was in a great mood all weekend (other than being tired).

My boss is pissed off at me. He sent me an IM this afternoon asking me if I made a phone call he asked me to. I don't remember him asking me to make a phone call. I tried to explain myself but he cut me off and said "don't respond, it's not worth it". Well, shit. Now I have the anxiety about what he's going to say to me tomorrow about it. Not really what he's going to say but what he's already said on the dictation tape. He tends to dictate when he's mad and not erase it.

I don't think I can deal with a "what's wrong with you" message tomorrow. I feel like I'm barely hanging on by a thread these days. I almost lost my shit with the boys this afternoon - they were KILLING me. I did get a short run in today though.

Whine whine whine. I can't believe I have to wait at least a month to get any kind of relief from this. My night has improved though - been chatting it up with some friends, one of which I haven't talked to in years and it's been just great!

So, if the cycle continues as per usual, I will feel down tomorrow and I will be back up on Wednesday. Ok, I can get through tomorrow, right?

Going Down in Flames

I'm beat. As instructed, I went into work yesterday morning at 9am and cleaned for 2.5 hours. It was actually kinda fun. It was just me and Erin there, nice and quiet. I put on my headphones and did my work. She bought me breakfast, which was very nice.

So, I finished that up, came home and we decided to take the boys out for lunch. We're nearing the end of lunch and my cell phone rings. "The Pot" on my caller ID. Uh oh. It was Randy asking if I could work that night as a favor because they needed people. Quality Control and all that. Dave really stepped up to the plate and offered to take the boys to the airport with him to pick up Cassie at 11pm so I could work. So, I did.

LONG shift - didn't make jack. Very disappointed. But, I did get major kiss up points and that's money I didn't have the day before. I'm just really tired today. We ended up finishing up around 1:30am and then we hung out at the bar until 2:30. Thankfully, Dave let me sleep until 10:30 (interrupted of course because the boys can't possibly be quiet in the mornings).

I have to start running again. It's been days. I feel fat.

My D&C is scheduled. For pretty much the worst time ever. The day before the Coldplay concert. Oh, I'm still going, don't you think for a second I'm not. I just might not feel great. I'm sure Chris Martin will cheer me up a bit ;)

Thursday

I will find out tomorrow when my D&C is. Last night, I didn't get home from work until 1:30 a.m. Stupid Quality Control inspection coming up this weekend and all the managers are freaking out. We were there cleaning. I'm really beginning to feel the effects of it now - I'm beat.

Friday is supposed to be mandatory cleaning night after shift. Oh hell no. I'm not gonna work a Friday night and then have to clean after. I just got off the phone with my boss, asking him if I can come in on Saturday morning to clean instead. He checked with the manager on duty for that day and said sure. So, I won't have to stay late tomorrow night cleaning, WOO HOO. I'd much rather go in, dressed comfortably and well-rested to clean than staying late tomorrow night.

Had a long e-mail exchange with my brother recently. I really miss him. I hate that he's so far away and I have no idea when I will see him again.

It Never Ends

I knew it couldn't be that simple. Not as simple as "the biopsy was negative, let's start the pills". I finally spoke to my doctor today and although there is no malignancy, there are benign polyps and/or lesions in my uterus. Fun.

Now I have a decision to make. I can have a D&C procedure (general anesthetic & miss work for 2 days) and if the polyps are truly there (another side from my doctor - he's seen the pathology come back positive, go in there and have there be no polyps), this could be the solution to all of my problems. They would obviously be removed and that would be that, welcome back to the world of having a normal cycle. You know, it's been so long, I wonder what that's like?

Ok, so option number two. Try the progesterone treatment for a few months and see if that works. If it doesn't, then have the D&C.

So I could have an unnecessary surgical procedure (essentially) and still have to go on hormones or I could go on hormones and still have to have a surgical procedure.

Or, I could have the D&C and fix everything.

I wish it were more cut and dry than this. I love that my doctor won't push his opinions on me and wants me to do what's right for me, but I honestly wish he would have just said "pathology shows this condition, I suggest we do a D&C to remove them" and then say something to the effect of "this doesn't always work, so there's still the possibility of having to do the pills". BUt noooo, he wants ME to make my own mind up. Jerk ;)

Everyone I've asked said do the D&C. David is leaning toward that too, though he will never say what he thinks I should or shouldn't do because it's me that has to have it done.

I was somewhat stress-free for like 3 whole days. That was nice. Now, I'm a ball of nerves again.

Guess I'll call my doctor tomorrow and schedule it. I sure hope he can do it soon.

So much for my relaxing day

Why is it that every time I decide to have a day where I don't do anything, I end up doing a million things?

Today, I worked, as per usual.

Then stopped by the library to pick up the next season of Six Feet Under on DVD and return the others.

Got home to a message from a neighbor, desperate for someone to watch her 4 year old for a few hours today. No problem, I said, bring him over at 5.

I got an appt at 4:30 for a waxing (my friend Jessica watched the boys for me). So, I got home, did a few things here and there around the house, ran for just a few minutes until my side hurt (shouldn't run after eating), then went to my appt.

Got home, and Daniel came over.

Now I'm cooking dinner.

I still need to feed the kids, eat my own dinner and run 2 miles.

Thank god Dave said he will put the boys to bed tonight.

So much for just sitting around when I got home. I'd BETTER get to do that tomorrow!

It's all good

Got the results back and they are negative - YIPPIE!!!!! I missed my doc's call, so I didn't get to talk to him about when I can start the Progesterone treatment. My guess is I can start it on Monday, but I will call him and find out then. I'm excited to hopefully have an answer to all of this. I just want to be normal again.

Went to the library today and got the first season of Six Feet Under on dvd. I adore this show. It's fun going back and watching it again from the beginning. Everyone looks so different, even though it was only 4 years ago.

David might be going out tonight until late. I'm glad he's getting out and doing something fun. Seems I'm the only one that goes out now and he deserves some time to himself as well.

Blah, again.

I'm supposed to get my results today. Something's telling me I'm not going to get them and I'm going to have to wait through the weekend. I had another bad night emotionally last night. I was doing pretty ok, and I decided I needed some time out to myself, which I took. I ended up spending an hour or so writing in a journal, which felt really good. But, then I got in a little argument with Dave and that was the end of that happy time for me.

I'm so tired of crying all the time. I see Karen tomorrow. I want medication or ANYTHING at this point to make it so I'm not a blubbering idiot every two weeks. I can't have medication until we know what's wrong with my cycle and all that crap. So, I'm stuck.

And I definitely feel stuck right now and I hate it.

Not cut out for this...

Sometimes, I really don't think I'm cut out to be a mother of a special needs kid. I can't deal with Alex lately. He's normal enough that I forget that he has issues and I can't deal with them. He frustrates me at the drop of a hat, so much so that I find myself yelling almost every day. That's not normal or healthy. I'm terrified for school to start. I can't handle the constant homework fights that are going to come. I don't want to deal with the teachers and their complaints about Alex, which there will be. I honestly don't want to deal with any of this some days.

Yes, my hormones are whacked right now, so I'm sure I'm being oversensitive and overreactive, but this is how I'm feeling right now. Sometimes, I wish I could run away.

I'm not proud of saying that. I debated about even posting it. I will definitely talk to Karen on Saturday. I know she will tell me I'm normal, but I don't feel normal. I feel trapped. I feel like it's never going to get better, even though I know it will, deep down. Cassie had some ADD issues and she grew out of them - of course, she's not as severe as Alex. He will be going into group therapy soon to help him with his social skills. The doctors swear that after we get these kinds of things under control, his listening skills will improve.

I want it fixed now, and it's not. I need to be patient. I know I'm coming across as a raving bitch in this thread - maybe I'm not and that's just my perceptions, but it's how I feel.

Sometimes I think that Alex would be better off if I wasn't a part of his life. I think that I'm too mean to him. I try not to be and I don't want to be, but I find myself yelling at him all the time and saying mean things to him. What kind of person talks down to a kid like I do to him sometimes? A pretty horrible one, if you ask me. David always shows him so much love and understanding, but I can't seem to do it.

I seriously hate myself right now.

Free Movies Rock!!

I finally took the boys out to a free movie at the lakefront. They have them every Monday and Friday nights, and I have no clue why we haven't gone before? Holly-Anne invited us, so Alex was way excited to see Alex D. Zack was very well behaved. Oh, the movie was Shrek. Next week is Shrek 2 - that's nice of them. I think this Friday's movie is Hitch, but I've already seen that.

I need to get the schedule, so we can go to more of these things. I packed up snacks and we had a really nice time. The weather cooperated as well. I remembered going to these movies as a pre-teen with my brother and how much I loved it. I specifically remember seeing Yellow Submarine and Willie Wonka. I wish Dave would have come, but it was nice for him to get some time to himself.

Ran 2 miles today. Feeling good.

Yippie!!!

Dave's birthday was a success. He loved the restaurant and the movie. We picked up an MP3 player for him at the mall with his birthday money. A fun time was had by all.

Today has been very low-key. Did some laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. Had a long work-out this morning. 45 minutes on the treadmill and about 30 minutes of weight work after. I've been tired ever since.

Zack's daycare is closed this coming week. He will stay home with Cassie until Friday when she goes to Arizona for a week - that day he and Alex will come to work with me. Wish me luck with that one!!

Nothing else is going on - I promised myself I'd try to write something every day, so there ya go.

I'm a Slacker

I can't believe I forgot to update my blog. My apologies.

The test was horrific. It hurt just as much as I thought it would. Worst part was that I had to lay still so I couldn't even cry. I had to wait until it was over. When the doctor left, I cried a bit. Dave was with me - he let me squeeze his hand and he was great. He let me cry and didn't make fun of me or anything ;)

I will get the results in a week.

Our treadmill was finally delivered yesterday - I really like it. The programs are very hard, but fun. I hope to get back up to my 1.25 miles straight soon.

Dave's birthday is tomorrow. He wants cash, so I don't have anything planned for him. Maybe I will try to surprise him with something tomorrow night. Oooh, I have an idea. I will have to talk to Cassie to be sure she will babysit. I'm thinking maybe this new Japanese Steakhouse that I saw up the road and going to see The Aristocrats, IF it's playing somewhere around here. I'm thinking it might not be, but I will check. He will love that.

It's hard to believe he is 36. He was 26 when we started dating, 24 I think when we first met. Wow.

Tomorrow's the big day

My biopsy is at 1:45. I got it moved up a week because I couldn't handle the stress of waiting. So I have less than 24 hours and I'm starting to become scared shitless. Waiting for this has been killing me stress-wise. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Knowing that I'm sitting here WAITING to be in pain is so taxing on me. I know this will hurt. I know it will hurt A LOT. It's not like going to the dentist or something.

I've talked to people who have had it done. I know what to expect and I know it's not a "you think it's going to be worse than it actually is". I've been there. Usually I think it's going to be BETTER than it actually is. Like when I had my IUD put in. I thought, "it's going to hurt like hell". I was completely prepared for it to hurt a lot. It hurt way more than I thought it would.

Anyway, I don't think I will know the results tomorrow. I think I will have to wait a while. At least the test will be over with. Ugh. I seriously hate this.

Can't Believe I'm Even THINKING About This

Yesterday, we took the kids to my boss's daughter's birthday party at a place called My Gym. This place was amazing. They had all kinds of activities (fitness activities) for the kids. A trampoline, slides, huge balls, things to climb, a ball pit, swings, the list goes on and on. The kids had SUCH a fantastic time, every single one of them. There were musical activities too. Two hours of kids running around having a blast.

And it was so much fun for me to watch too. Zack was thrilled - he even rode on a zip line they had there. The party was a huge success for everyone. I decided to look at a brochure to see how much one of these parties would cost. I couldn't help but think the entire time how much Zack would love to have one of these parties for his birthday in December.

$350.00. Three Hundred Fifty Dollars. Let me say it again. THREE HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS. For 2 hours. $175 per hour. One hundred seventy-five dollars per hour.

And I'm still considering it. Hear me out. This party was amazing - he would have the time of his life. All of his friends could come, even the ones that I don't really want in my house because they don't behave well. Wouldn't matter here - the parents stay with the kids. I can't shake the image from my head of him being the birthday boy and being the center of attention - with all the games and activities.

He's the perfect age for this place. Man oh man, I really need to think about this some more, but it would just be so great. We spend well over $200 a pop when we take the family to Medieval Times for Alex's birthday, so why not do this once?

Somewhat back to normal

The kids got home from camp last night, so the break is over. So far, not too bad haha.

Yesterday kinda sucked. It was TOO hot, yet again, and our brilliant asses decided to hit the museums in D.C. Guess who else decided to do that? About a BILLION people. It was too crowded, still too hot, and Zack was doing his best to make me cry. I was tired to start with, so I know I was extra cranky. We still managed to have some fun.

Then Nicole and I decided we needed to drink. So, once the boys got back from getting the kids, we went out for a few hours. Much fun was had by all.

Today's adventures - my boss's daughter's birthday party and perhaps going out for dinner.

3 Kids, 98 Degree Heat & Roller Coasters

Let me tell you something. It's so friggin' hot around here lately, it's almost unbearable. So what do we decide to do yesterday with temps in the high 90's? Go to an amusement park. A guy who works at the amusement park told us yesterday it was 115 degrees with the heat index because of all of the black pavement around the place.

And I believe him.

First off, the 2 hour drive down took us nearly 4 hours. There was wicked traffic in two spots on 95, then we found out the guys (who took a separate car) were about 30 minutes behind us at least. They had stopped for gas, coffee, this, that and the other. So, we figure, we do NOT want to be stuck in the parking lot with 3 cranky kids waiting for them, so we stopped for lunch. Then THEY stopped for lunch. ARGH!!! We finally got into the park around 1:00.

We actually had a good time, but the heat was horrendous. It was hard to keep everyone cool and happy, but we did it.

The drive home, not much better. 3 over-tired kids made for a loud, whiney, scream-fest for most of the trip.

I swear, Nicole & I have earned a night out ALONE some time this weekend for a girls' night with NO CHILDREN!!!

On the plate for today was the DC Zoo, but I'm not sure we're going to do that. It's going to be 95 at least again today and from what my friend just told me, the entire zoo is on a slant (lots of uphill walking) and there's NO shade. The "air conditioned" buildings are barely air conditioned. In fact, she was supposed to come with us today and said there was no way she was bringing her kids out in this weather today. Fab. Now we'll have to figure out what we're doing today.

What Kind of Idiot

Gets lost driving a straight shot home that they have driven for 17 years?

Me, that's who. I'm so embarrassed. I dropped our friends off at the Metro this morning so they could trapse around D.C. while I was at work for a few hours. I got home and shortly afterward Nicole called me to tell me they were done early and could I come get them sooner? Sure, I was all for that - we would get home before rush hour - saweet!!!!

I pick them up and realize I'm so dead tired, only Starbucks can help me out of this quandry. So, we stop at Starbucks. Fantastic. I get back on the road (again, a straight shot from the Metro to the exit for our house) and drive. About 10 minutes later, I come on an intersection that doesn't look familiar. I look around and sure enough, we're on Connecticut Avenue. The fuck? So I think, ok I know what I did - I got on the side street from the Starbucks instead of the main street. No problem. A right, a right and a left and we should be back on track.

Nope, we ended up in Bethesda. Nice city, that Bethesda - it's got a nice Naval Hospital and crap.

Ok, fine - I know that I can get on the Capitol Beltway and get us home. So, we get there.

During rush-hour traffic.

Fuck. Took us about an hour and a half to get home when it should have taken us 30 minutes.

Thank god my friends are good sports. I feel like a total dolt.

To make up for it, Dave & John are out eating sushi and Nicole & I are getting ready to go to The Pot.