ue I'm More Than Just a Mom...I Think: Not cut out for this...u

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Not cut out for this...

Sometimes, I really don't think I'm cut out to be a mother of a special needs kid. I can't deal with Alex lately. He's normal enough that I forget that he has issues and I can't deal with them. He frustrates me at the drop of a hat, so much so that I find myself yelling almost every day. That's not normal or healthy. I'm terrified for school to start. I can't handle the constant homework fights that are going to come. I don't want to deal with the teachers and their complaints about Alex, which there will be. I honestly don't want to deal with any of this some days.

Yes, my hormones are whacked right now, so I'm sure I'm being oversensitive and overreactive, but this is how I'm feeling right now. Sometimes, I wish I could run away.

I'm not proud of saying that. I debated about even posting it. I will definitely talk to Karen on Saturday. I know she will tell me I'm normal, but I don't feel normal. I feel trapped. I feel like it's never going to get better, even though I know it will, deep down. Cassie had some ADD issues and she grew out of them - of course, she's not as severe as Alex. He will be going into group therapy soon to help him with his social skills. The doctors swear that after we get these kinds of things under control, his listening skills will improve.

I want it fixed now, and it's not. I need to be patient. I know I'm coming across as a raving bitch in this thread - maybe I'm not and that's just my perceptions, but it's how I feel.

Sometimes I think that Alex would be better off if I wasn't a part of his life. I think that I'm too mean to him. I try not to be and I don't want to be, but I find myself yelling at him all the time and saying mean things to him. What kind of person talks down to a kid like I do to him sometimes? A pretty horrible one, if you ask me. David always shows him so much love and understanding, but I can't seem to do it.

I seriously hate myself right now.


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