Sometime I Wonder

I wonder if Alex is going to be a normal adult. I have always said "things will get better when puberty hits - he will mature" but puberty is nowhere in sight. There is not one shred or tiny sign that it's even on its way. He will be 13 in two weeks. He looks like he's 10. He acts like he's 7.

A lady at the restaurant tonight saw that he was reading Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and was open-mouthed and all "you're reading THAT - oh my gosh!". I wanted to say "he's 13, lady, he's not 8" but Alex was so happy she was talking to him about it and David was so proud - "He's read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, too, I couldn't even get through that," that I didn't say anything. But it's the truth. She never would have said that if he looked his age.

I tried having a serious conversation with him last night. I took him to dinner, just me and him. I wanted to know some more about his friends and what they were into. More specifically, in a roundabout way, I'm trying to find some sign that my kid likes girls. Or hell, boys. Likes anyone in that way ya know? Trying to have a normal conversation with Alex is an exercise in futility. I was given quick, one-word answers, with follow up questions that had nothing to do with the topic at hand. He'd start talking about Garfield, or movies, or video games. He won't talk about normal, regular topics. I couldn't even get out ANY of the questions I wanted ot ask before I completely gave up.

It's frustrating.

Then there's the fact that he acts like Zack's age when they are together. I can't leave my 7 year old in the hands of my 13 year old because my 13 year old will hit him when he thinks Zack's threatening him in some way (verbal or whatnot and not even his safety - perhaps tattle-taling or something). Or, he will be intentially cruel to Zack, who only wants to play with his big brother. Oh, I won't lie. Zack is NOT innocent - he's a 7 year old boy. He pushes Alex's buttons, that's for sure. But at 13, Alex should not react like he does and it's frustrating.

I would like nothing more than to send them both out to visit with their grandmother in Phoenix, but I can't. There is no way that I would inflict their constant bickering and fighting on anyone else. It's honestly like having twins who hate each other. There is no difference in their maturity level except, and I hate to say this, Zack is often times more mature than Alex.

Sometimes, I truely worry for my son's future. I just want him to be normal. I have a hard time accepting the fact that he's not, so now I grasp onto the hope that he will grow to be normal...

I suppose I should update

Dave's still here - no strike yet. This is great. I'm beginning to think that it may not happen. Dave grew a strike beard haha - he won't shave until he knows for sure he's not going.

I really need a vacation. I'm trying to work it out so we can go to Arizona for Xmas, but I don't known if that will happen or not. Either way, I need some time off before that. I'm getting seriously burned out right now. I need to stand up for myself and say "look, it's been over a year since I had a vacation - I'm supposed to get 2 weeks a year, I need to take some time off." And I don't mean trading shifts, I mean some days OFF.

Easiest day to get covered is my Wednesday opening shift - maybe I can get a few of those covered and have some 3 day off stretches. I'd like to take the boys to the beach. I'd also like to go to the place that I suggested my bosses go - Great Wolf Lodge. The boys would love it.

I'm off today and tomorrow and I don't even want to think about work - I'm going to try my best not to.

Hurry up, April...

March has sucked big, fat donkey balls.

April has GOT to be better, right?

Eh, probably not - gonna be probably one of my worst birthdays to date, but I can dream...

Of course, Dave will probably be sent to California in April, so perhaps April isn't going to be any better.

Blah.

Bring on, um, June??

You'd think after 12 years...

of being a parent, simple sickness wouldn't throw me off.

Zack's still sick. I ended up at the ER with him on Sunday night and I felt stupid for it, but now not so much.

I got a few texts from Dave while I was at work on Sunday. Zack was sleeping on the couch, so we knew he was sick. His fever went from 99 to 102 in the span of a few hours, WITH two doses of medication. He kept complaining that his head hurt, which he never does, so there was no way I was going to take chances with that. The doctor said flu and menengitis tests were negative.

The fever went away by Wednesday and he was back to school. Today is Friday and I just picked him up from school :( He's lost his voice, his throat is sore and he's coughing. Poor kid can't catch a break and I feel completely lost and baffled. Do I take him back to the doctor? Watch him over the weekend?

Poor kid :(

Watch out...

I'm happy - and when I'm happy I talk haha

Cassie got accepted into the University of Maryland. We are THRILLED. Best of all? She applied, paid for the application, etc. on her own and without us even knowing about it until after the fact!! She had talked about doing it, but she's always been a lot of talk and no action. She cried when she got the acceptance letter. I am so proud of her and thrilled that she got in. She will be starting in the Fall. Thanks to my parents, there is some money set aside to help out with college. It's not going to cover all 4 years or anything, but hey, it's a start!!

So, this morning, I get online to pay some bills and get caught up on some stuff. Still pretty freaking happy about Cassie, incidentally.

I log into Bank of America and I see a current balance that is NOT what I thought it should be. I called Dave and left him a message. Now, I remember, he said something about a bonus coming, but he said maybe $3,000 or $4,000...not $9500.00.

My first thought was "oh no, this is compensation money for when he goes to California next month - I can't spend this because he's looking for another job and he might quit." But that doesn't make sense. Who gives an advance for something you haven't done yet (in real life?).

Sure enough. It's his bonus. Wow. Here's the thing - we can REALLY use this money right now. I have $2,000 in medical bills from my surgery. We have $1100 that we owe for dental procedures.

As I said before, David is trying to get another job. He's not 100% sure that he will go to California if he's still working for AT&T and if he doesn't, he will get fired. This money will hold us over for a month or so if that does happen. I went ahead and paid all the bills and then put the rest away - well, I put it toward our home equity loan that we're paying off and we can always take it back if we need it.

Such a huge weight has been lifted paying off those medical bills in full and having that fall back option if we have an emergency. I have de-stressed about 50% because of this. I feel good.

Now, we just need to get Dave another job...

AT&T Can Suck It

California.

They are sending him to California.

Guess when he leaves? 5 days before my birthday. Guess when his mother comes in to visit? The day after he leaves.

Who doesn't have a 'normal' job? Me. I'm lucky that I have a set schedule, but duh, as a restaurant manager, I have to work other hours. How on earth am I going to do this without Dave here?

I'm starting to flip out about this. I mean, honestly, I have most of this covered. My mom's going to help - I have some friends who can help - BUT it's the unknowns. It's the "oh shit, we have 200 covers and 7 servers" nights when I need to get up there and help at a moment's notice (I sound like Superman LOL).

Ok ok, deep breaths. People do this shit all the time - people who have SPOUSES IN THE FUCKING MILITARY, which I don't.

I think I'd be a lot better dealing with this if I knew how long he's going to be gone.

He could miss Alex's 13th birthday. I'm sure Cassie won't care that he's gone for her birthday, too, but I'm seriously hoping he could at least fly back then, since it's Memorial Day this year.

This just sucks. There's no two ways about it. But, I'll deal. Because I always do and I have no choice.

Well, shit.

Dave just called. You know it's never good when he says "so I have some kinda bad news." This means a) it's not KINDA, it definitely is and b) it involves his job.

He's been volunteered for strike duty. Which means that if there is a strike, which is pretty likely, he will get assigned to another state to work for several months. Don't know how far away. Don't know how long. With my work schedule, this is definitely NOT a good thing. I told Dave we'll deal with it when the time comes. But, my mind is already racing at how I'm going to do this.

I guess I'll have to fall back on Cassie. I figure it's the least she can do at this point. She's off on Sundays, which is my open to close day, so she can watch the boys on that day. That's the most important day that I need covered.

I can more than likely have my friend Ann pick Zack up from after-school care on Thursdays and Fridays. Gotta figure out who can watch him on those nights.

This is where I start to get more angry. Why can't Alex be normal enough to watch his little brother? He's almost 13 years old and there is no way that I can leave them alone on nights that I work and that's not how it should be. I hate the idea of spending money on after-school care and then big chunks of money on a sitter for Thursday and Friday nights. It would be nice if Cassie's work schedule could work with mine, but I'm not entirely sure if it can. We'll see.

I guess I won't worry about it until the time comes, but on the other hand, I really should have a plan in place. Blah!

Oh, not a minor thought here - months away from Dave? The longest we've been apart is 3 weeks. This is not going to be easy. At least this time, we'll be able to talk all the time, unlike when he's been out of the country. Blah x2.