Putting up a strong front

I got some bad news from my doctor the other day. So, I have to have some more tests. The first of which is a very painful test, that I'm downright terrified of. I'm scared of the pain and I'm scared of the results (it's a test for uterine cancer).

Odds are it will be negative. So, now I focus on just getting to the date of the test and getting through the test in as little pain as possible. Dave will go with me, which means so much more to me than I think he realizes.

This is extra stress that I just don't need right now. But, it's only stressful if I let it be, so I'm really trying my best to put on my game face and not think about it. It's hard, but there's just no point in worrying yet.

Time to suck it up and be an adult. I hate being an adult sometimes.

I am a Rockstar

I ran a mile straight today. A full mile, non-stop. When I first starting running, I couldn't run an eighth of a mile straight. Now look at me. Wow. Yup, I'm a rockstar.

Next goal - 1.25 miles.

All's Quiet...

Alex and Cassie were dropped off at camp today. 13 days of having only 1 kid will be a vacation for me. They were both very excited to go and I'm sure they are going to have a blast. I gave them both self-addressed, stamped envelopes to write to us, but I doubt we'll get anything - they are always too busy to write.

While Dave was dropping them off, I cleaned the main level of the house. So glad I got that out of the way. It should stay much cleaner with just the three of us here for the next 9 days. Our friends are coming to visit from Wisconsin next Tuesday. I wish it were this Tuesday!!! I don't know how I'm going to keep myself occupied until then!!

Poor Zack ate it bad at the track the other day. He fell down a paved hill, scraping up both knees, an elbow and a wrist. The scabs are pretty awful to look at. Poor little guy. He keeps talking about it and how he's ok now.

I've been having a lot of "female" problems lately - I think that's contributing to my depression. I have an appt for August 17th. I need to call my GYN tomorrow and try to get an earlier appt - I can't take this much longer.

My Downfall

I think about other people's feeings too much and not enough about my own. I can't be what I think everyone else wants me to be or thinks that I should be. If I continue to put this intense pressure on myself, I am only going to fail. I can only be me. Why can't I be selfish once in a while and do things that just make me happy? Stop thinking "oh well, that might annoy so-and-so" or "that will give so-and-so extra work". So what? You know, Dave's an adult, he can take care of his children, why do I stress about going out and having time to myself? He doesn't whine or complain about taking care of the kids, so why do I worry so much?

Why can't I just help myself? I did last night and I felt so great after. I went down to the lake front and walked around a little. Then I sat on a bench and just THOUGHT. I didn't talk to anyone, I just sat by myself and I loved every second of it. I think I was gone about 2 hours. Not a lot of time, but enough that I felt relaxed and happier.

I have to admit some things that are really hard for me to say out loud. I can't handle Alex. I can't. He drives me insane. I try my best, but I get frustrated with him so quickly. Karen made some excellent points to me about that last night. He's not my son. As much as I love him and have cared for him as a son, he's not, and somewhere in the back of my mind I know that. That doesn't make me a bad parent or mother for thinking in terms of fact, it really doesn't. It explains the frustration, anger, and resentment that I feel sometimes. All of which are natural, normal, and again, don't make me Monster of the year. The fact of the matter is, he's a special needs kid - he's HARD to deal with under the best circumstances. And David does a better job with him than I do. Do you know what Karen said? Then let Dave do the hard stuff and you do the fun stuff and general taking care of (feeding, doctor's appts, etc that I usually do). Dave totally agreed. He's suggested it in the past, but I've never taken him up on it because I've always felt like I HAD to be the perfect mom to them. I can't be a perfect mom because I'm not perfect. I have to be the best mom that I know how and getting a break from Alex from time to time is what I need to do that.

I have to stop beating myself up about it all the time.

Karen mentioned my "life age" and where I should be right now is a mom to a 3.5 year old, not a mom to a teenager and a 9 year old. She said that's where some of my feelings of restlessness and dread come in when I get home. I've been raising children for years now. I went from being extremely carefree with my life to suddenly being a full time parent.

I have never thought before how hard that was. I always put on a brave face and supported Dave because in the beginning it was SO hard and that was the only way to get through everything we were going through with Susan and custody and all that. Now that she's pretty much completely out of the picture, I'm realizing that I lost a lot of "carefree" time and I miss it. I don't regret my decisions and I don't regret taking them in and being their mom. I love both of them SO very much - I would be lost without them. But the fact is, I lost part of me 10 years ago when I got into this relationship.

It's not a part of me that I can't get back or that I have to leave this relationship to find. I just need to make time for myself and quit letting my perceived guilt stop me from having fun once in a while. I'm not talking about going out and partying all the time. But, there is not a THING stopping me if I want to take off at 8pm one night and just go out. There is no reason I shouldn't do it if I want to.

I need to be there for me now. I've been there for so many other people for the last 10 years that it's about damn time that Cathy got some time for Cathy.

The Scientist

Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

4-letter words

Fuck. My favorite 4-letter word. Because it has such incredible meaning and emotion behind it. Right now, in my mind, it's an expletive of frustration. It's how I'm feeling right now. Throw my arms up in the air and scream FUCK - that's what I want to do. Can't cuz the kids are home. It can be used to express so many different emotions - surprise, desire, desperation, exhilaration, frustration, disappointment. Versitile - gotta love it, even if I'm not supposed to be saying it at work much anymore.

Love is a strange emotion. It creeps up on you when you're not expecting it, hell, even if you're trying your best to avoid it. As CAKE says "Love is a 4-letter word". Love makes us do crazy things. But, love can also be the best of all of the 4-letter words. When you find that perfect person, love is fabulous. But love can also break your heart. It's a fine line sometimes too.

Fear is another strange one. I have phobias - actual fears that are so extreme, that I feel physically sick and begin to have panic attacks at the thought. Death being the main one. I don't want to talk about it right now. But back to the impending doom that's enveloping me:

The depression cloud is looming. I was just reading my archives and reading about how I was feeling back in October and I'm feeling all of that again. I should just copy and paste it because it's all so true right now, but I won't. Typing it out makes me feel better.

I don't understand myself. I don't get what makes me tick. Why I make bad decisions or why, even, that I make good decisions. I feel like a walking rain cloud. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this right now.

I feel like less of a person, a mother, and a wife. I feel like I'm failing everyone. Most of all, I'm failing myself. Why, what have I done lately?

I'm on a downward spiral. I can't hit rock bottom again, I just can't. I have to pull myself up. I have to.

I need my vacation. I need it now. I need to clear my head. I have GOT to fix this.

Eventually

I feel like everything lately is an "eventually". Eventually, the kids will be going to camp. Eventually, my friends will be coming to visit. Eventually, I will drop another pants size. Eventually, I will clean my house. Eventually, eventually, eventually.

How 'bout now??

I've had a lot going on this week. My boss's step-father died, which was really sad. I went to the funeral today - he closed the office, it was the least I could go. He introduced me as his "friend" Cathy. I thought that was nice. I, of course, introduced myself as his secretary. Because, well, I am. Which reminds me, I'm a week shy of my 5th anniversary at the lawfirm. I love that job.

Which leads me on to my 2nd job. I love it too. It causes me more stress than my other job, but I tend to thrive on stress. I had my evaluation yesterday - not bad. I need to stop swearing so much. BAH HAHAHAHA. Yeah, me, stop swearing. Yeah, that's gonna fucking happen.

My boss told me I'd be good at the bar - I think I would be too, I'd like to learn sometime. The problem is figuring out when. I'd still like to.

I wonder what makes some people do the things they do. I wonder sometimes what makes me have done things that I have done, but more importantly, I'm thinking about other people now. Let's NOT talk about me for once. Oh, who am I kidding - let's talk about me some more.

I don't like to talk about my feelings. I have a hard time putting into words what I'm thinking without sounding incredibly stupid, or like some cliche. I think I get attached to people too easily. I tend to latch on to a new friend and that's the only person I want to talk to for a while. Yes yes, you know you are (*cough SHELLEY *cough) :) I don't think a person can have too many friends.

Where the hell is this entry going? Nowhere. I'm rambling like an idiot. Probably because I've had very little sleep. I need a nap. This is what happens when I watch stupid daytime television. I start pondering the facets of our society - it's always scary and sad, I'm not sure why I do it haha.

Today it was "I got pregnant by a transsexual". Makes my life look pretty damn rosey, yup it does.

I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT

I scored tickets to Coldplay. Two tickets. $100. I'm going to pee myself with excitement. They are crap seats, but I don't care. I will be there. I will be there. I WILL BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just have to find someone to go with me.

I must find a way

To see Coldplay in Virginia on September 30th. I know I drive my husband insane with this, but I just don't care right now. What if they suddenly break up and never tour again and I missed my one chance to see them? Dave won't go with me, he already told me that, so I'd be on my own.

I REALLY want to go. It's sold out, of course, and the tickets on ebay are insane. My birthday's already passed and our anniversary and Xmas aren't until December, so I can't even PRETEND that we could consider this a present.

Ugh, what to do, what to do.

How much would YOU spend on tickets to see your favorite group? Yes, I may have to put them above CAKE now as my favorite group. Poor CAKE. I still love them, though ;)

Stole this...

(Thanks Angel!)

10 Years Ago:
I was living in North Carolina, with my then-fiance, Kevin, and working for Sprint. The local BBSes were still going strong and we all would meet up several times a week to hang out in person. I was attending Rocky Horror on a regular basis at that point too. Little did I know, just a few months later I would run into David again after a year of not talking to him and well, the rest is history (our 10 year anniversary is in December)

Five Years Ago:
Funny, but it was this month 5 years ago that we moved to Maryland. In fact, we were finishing up our last week of work in North Carolina. We moved up here, took a week off and then both started our jobs (where we still are today) on July 31, 2000. We were still trying to have a baby and were living with my parents for 3 months until our house was ready for purchase.

One Year Ago:
I was working only one job and doing pretty much the same as I'm doing now. We were heavy into marriage counseling, which did wonders to help us through all of our issues that we were having.

Yesterday:
Worked at the law firm, came home, ran then went to exercise class. Did some mundane chores and after the kids were in bed, we watched Bridget Jones 2 (cute movie).

Today:
Dropped Alex off for a play date at my friend's house - went to work. PIcked up Alex and hung out with my friend for a bit. Got ready for job #2 - went in only to volunteer to come home because there were very few reservations and too many servers. Made a nice dinner and watched Some Kind of Monster, a documentary on Metallica (who incidentally have turned into a big group of whiney women, apparently).

Tomorrow:
Work, run, weight work, Jazzercise, death.

5 Snacks I Enjoy:
Popcorn
Sunflower Seeds
Dried fruit
Raw veggies
Pringles

5 Bands I Know the Lyrics to Most of Their Songs:
CAKE
REM
The Beatles
Coldplay
Beastie Boys

5 Things I Would Do with a $100,000,000:
Buy a bigger house with a huge yard and a maid
Pay off my parents' house and my brother's house
Travel all over Europe and Australia
Invest some so I'd never have to work again
Be charitable

5 Locations I'd Like to Run Away To:
London
Toronto
Australia
Greece
Bahamas

5 Bad Habits I Have:
I chew on my fingers
I laugh nervously
Interrupt people
I say one thing and do another sometimes
I can be obsessive


5 Things I Like Doing:
Reading
Talking to friends
Waiting tables (no, I'm not lying)
Watching movies
Sleeping

5 Things I Would Never Wear:
A bikini
Spandex
Bell bottoms
Fur
Bandana

5 TV Shows I Like:
Lost
Desperate Housewives
Six Feet Under
ER
Arrested Development
CSI - Yes, I know that's 6, but I refuse to pick between them.

5 Movies I Like:
Reservoir Dogs
Silence of the Lambs
Fish Called Wanda
American Beauty
Die Hard

5 Famous People I'd Like to Meet:
Kevin Spacey
Jude Law (and I'm not sure "meet" is the word I'm thinking of when I think of him)
Chris Martin
Renee Zellweger
Bill Clinton

5 Biggest Joys at the Moment:
My children
My husband
My jobs
My friends
Coldplay ;)

5 Favorite Toys:
Legos
Matchbox cars
video games
Etch-a-sketch
Play-doh

Hug it out, bitch.

I don't have a particular topic to discuss today, but that phrase makes me laugh like a little kid. I think I will use it as much as possible.

I have a new cell phone. I love the thing. I'm a freak because it makes me happy. You KNOW what my ringtone is, don't you? Yup, Coldplay. Clocks, to be specific - it sounds so cool when my phone rings! I have free text messaging to Verizon Wireless customers too, so if you want my number, just ask lol

Hit a plateau with the exercise thing - Alex has me on a new program this week, which is going to kill me. I'm sure of it. But, I'm going to try it none the less.

Starting in about 10 days, my life is going to get realllllly busy :)

My New Obsession...(part 2)

Let's try this post again.

I am obsessed with Coldplay. I love everything about them. Their music is so lyrical and simplistic, yet it sounds so intricate and layered. I can't find a song by them that I don't like. I love all of the piano they have embedded in their music. I've heard people compare them to U2. Um, no. They are way better than U2 and not pretentious to boot. I seriously doubt we'll be seeing Chris Martin running around trying to be the ambassador to this or that. Damn, I hate Bono. Pretentious bastad. Ok, sorry, back to Coldplay...

I'm driving my husband a little bit insane with my new obsession, but he'll get over it. They are fantastic and I can't stop listening to them.

In the car, at home, on my computer at work. Coldplay, Coldplay, Coldplay.

I found out they are coming to Virginia (no clue why not DC or Maryland), but the only tickets are lawn seats. I don't want to drive an hour to not be able to see Chris Martin singing. Sigh. Maybe next time?

Ok this is just weird

I had a whole entry about Coldplay on here. I KNOW that it was up here because I got a PM from someone who read it and said they couldn't comment on it.

I came to check and the whole thing is just GONE.

WTF???