ue I'm More Than Just a Mom...I Think: 4-letter wordsu

Thursday, July 21, 2005

4-letter words

Fuck. My favorite 4-letter word. Because it has such incredible meaning and emotion behind it. Right now, in my mind, it's an expletive of frustration. It's how I'm feeling right now. Throw my arms up in the air and scream FUCK - that's what I want to do. Can't cuz the kids are home. It can be used to express so many different emotions - surprise, desire, desperation, exhilaration, frustration, disappointment. Versitile - gotta love it, even if I'm not supposed to be saying it at work much anymore.

Love is a strange emotion. It creeps up on you when you're not expecting it, hell, even if you're trying your best to avoid it. As CAKE says "Love is a 4-letter word". Love makes us do crazy things. But, love can also be the best of all of the 4-letter words. When you find that perfect person, love is fabulous. But love can also break your heart. It's a fine line sometimes too.

Fear is another strange one. I have phobias - actual fears that are so extreme, that I feel physically sick and begin to have panic attacks at the thought. Death being the main one. I don't want to talk about it right now. But back to the impending doom that's enveloping me:

The depression cloud is looming. I was just reading my archives and reading about how I was feeling back in October and I'm feeling all of that again. I should just copy and paste it because it's all so true right now, but I won't. Typing it out makes me feel better.

I don't understand myself. I don't get what makes me tick. Why I make bad decisions or why, even, that I make good decisions. I feel like a walking rain cloud. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this right now.

I feel like less of a person, a mother, and a wife. I feel like I'm failing everyone. Most of all, I'm failing myself. Why, what have I done lately?

I'm on a downward spiral. I can't hit rock bottom again, I just can't. I have to pull myself up. I have to.

I need my vacation. I need it now. I need to clear my head. I have GOT to fix this.


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