New Model Zack 4.0

Our little man turned 4 today. A great day was had by all. I was a bit worried last night because he had a fever. I dosed him before I went to bed and let him sleep with me. We slept in a bit (until 8:30), then he woke everyone up and we headed off to Bob Evans for breakfast. He kept asking everyone we came in contact wiht how old they are because he was excited to tell everyone that he's 4 today.

We came home and let him open our present to him - a Leapster L-Max. He's in heaven. He's played with that thing all day long. I'm so glad. He's very smart and has been able to play the games without a lot of frustration, which is fantastic. A lot of times, he will get so frustrated with a toy or game or something, then he cries for someone to help him. This year, he has lots of toys that he doesn't need help with, thank goodness.

We had a nice afternoon, relaxing. Then we piled into the car, picked up the birthday cake and headed to the soccer facility. We had about 15 kids show up and we had a great time. Some of the kids were shy and didn't want to participate in the soccer drills and games. That's ok - they were all very happy with the pizza and cake. Even Zack ate a little bit of pizza (he hates pizza - the only kid his age I know that hates pizza). The cake turned out gorgeous. A huge half white half chocolate cake with a Madagascar design on it. There was plenty of food to go around (which I was worried about so I was relieved) and we have a lot of the chocolate side of the cake left over - funny how that works out.

Zack got showered with presents. All of the presents were so nice and thoughtful. No duplicates either, which really surprised me. Those should keep him busy until Xmas.

We marked his height on the door - he's grown quite a bit since last year, he's a tall boy. I'm so proud of him. He was an angel today and so happy. I'm glad that we could make his special day happy for him. God knows he makes every day a wonder for me.

I love you, Zachary! You're one of the best things that's ever happened to me and your dad.

Ain't That Always The Way?

I've been looking forward to tonight for a while. Dave & Cassie are at the Alanis Morrisette concert, so it's just me and the boys. They are in bed now and I have alone time for the first time in a while. And guess what? I'm bored. I mean, seriously bored. There's nothing of interest on TV, I don't have a book that I'm reading or anything, I don't really feel like playing video games, and I'm bored as sin with the boards and my computer. Why does it always happen like this?

I miss Dave. I feel like I've barely seen him this week between his class, going out with some friends, work, and the concert. Tomorrow night we're having sushi with friends and they are coming over for a movie. That will be great fun. But for now, I'm here and BORED. No use inviting anyone over - we're in the middle of an ice storm. I could wrap Zack's birthday presnt, but I don't have any paper. I could do chores, but why? That's silly, I can do them any time.

Oh, and I know what's going to happen, too. I'm going to find something that interests me tremendously around 10pm so that when I'm really into it, I will have to pull myself away and go to bed. Typical hahaha.

....

I have an intense fear of death. I wish I had faith in something. A higher power, an afterlife or something. I am petrified of death. I can't talk about it for long without having an anxiety attack. I started tearing up and getting upset the other night at dinner with David because we were discussing the topic.

I don't understand. I don't get it, how we can have all that we have and then it could all be gone in an instant. Forever. No awareness of anything. Just like before we were born. Nothing. Centuries. Except when we die, it's even worse because at least before we were born, we were going to be here eventually. After this, what is there?

Nothing. And I'm scared of that. I'm terrified, actually. I don't know how to get over this. I don't know how to live my life without fear. I think about this every single day. I know that I will die one day and I just hope and pray that it's not sudden, so I could perhaps get used to the idea. I don't know how I will though.

There's nothing waiting - I won't get to watch from above as my kids grow or anything. Why not? Why does it have to be like this? I just don't believe that it's not. I'm a realist and believe absolutely in science. Science shows there's nothing. Not one fucking thing. It makes me angry. I wonder if it would be better not to live at all because it seems so cruel to be given so much only to know that it will all be taken away. At least when I wasn't born yet, I had no idea of anything.

I'm so scared of all of this. I wish I could figure out how not to be. But, I can't.

Is That Funny Strange or Funny Ha-Ha?

It's funny that I have titled my blog that I'm more than just a mom, yet almost all of my posts are about my family. That's fine by me, actually, because they are the most important thing in my life, of course.

Xmas is fast approaching, but before that, as we all know, is the little prince's birthday. 4 years old in a mere 8 days. The kid can't stop talking about it, and really, who can blame him?

How cute was it this morning at soccer when he was passing out invitations to all the kids he could find? He kept trying to give them to kids who weren't in his class (we're talking 10 year olds here) or random adults that walked by. He was so excited. Best news of all is that I got at least 5 people who said they would come to the party. I'm so very happy about that, you see, because I was very worried that I've shelled out money for a party that was going end up being just our family and like one other kid. Poor Zack's birthday coincides with many people's Xmas plans, since it's so close to Xmas day. I hate to think that he will get the short end of the stick when it comes to parties and thought a soccer party would be a blast for him. Thankfully, even though I don't have an actual count, there should be plenty of kids there. Not to mention the fact that 3 of the coaches have said they would come. They really love Zack to death and are always so excited to see him when he shows up for class. He loves them too :)

I still need to order his cake, but other than that, we are set.

I'm still sick. Hacking up many internal organs. So is Zack. Ah well, tis the season. Had to cancel dinner plans with some friends for tonight - Anne is sick too, moreso than me so it was her idea to cancel. It's ok, I'd rather go out when we are all healthy and happy and have a good time. Perhaps Dave & I will still go out tonight, just the two of us, since Cassie was already planning on babysitting. Hmm, decisions, decisions.

Another Zackism

"Mommy, I hate Simba."

"No, you don't, honey, that's a mean thing to say. Simba's a sweet kitty."

"I do. I hate him. I hate Simba. I hate him. I do. I hate him." (All of this said with a little smirk on his face)

"Well, maybe he hates you too?"

"No, he doesn't. He can't talk."

Ugh

I'm home sick today. I feel like crap warmed over. My voice is shot to hell - I'm sure some people think I sound sexy, but really? I'd rather not be feeling like ass right now. Luckily, my boss isn't giving me any trouble about staying home. I'm hoping a day home resting is all I need to get back on track.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night - the benefit of that was that I got to see Coldplay on Conan O'Brian last night and even bigger bonus, my friend Jose (who is a writer for the show) was on camera in a skit. It's always so funny to see him on tv. He looks markedly older now, but still very good. I'm so used to seeing the early 30s Jose and not the early 40s Jose.

Poor Zack's got a terrible cough from this thing too and came into bed with us right before I fell asleep. To be honest, I adore when he sneaks in our bed in the middle of the night. The other two kids never did that. He's such a cuddly little guy. I guess I can't call him little for much longer - he's getting to be such a big boy.

I'm going to go lay down for a bit. I have more to write about, so I hope to update again a little later.

Best Picture Ever

My friend, Kim, took this picture on our getaway to NY last weekend. This is absolutely my favorite picture of me and Zack together.



We had such a fantastic time. I'm so proud of how well Zack did. Sure, he had a meltdown Saturday after HOURS of shopping, but really, who wouldn't? I wish the weekend could have been longer. Stacey, Kim & I got along great and the kids were all adorable. We need to plan another trip in the Spring. Maybe to Boston - that would be great.