....

I have an intense fear of death. I wish I had faith in something. A higher power, an afterlife or something. I am petrified of death. I can't talk about it for long without having an anxiety attack. I started tearing up and getting upset the other night at dinner with David because we were discussing the topic.

I don't understand. I don't get it, how we can have all that we have and then it could all be gone in an instant. Forever. No awareness of anything. Just like before we were born. Nothing. Centuries. Except when we die, it's even worse because at least before we were born, we were going to be here eventually. After this, what is there?

Nothing. And I'm scared of that. I'm terrified, actually. I don't know how to get over this. I don't know how to live my life without fear. I think about this every single day. I know that I will die one day and I just hope and pray that it's not sudden, so I could perhaps get used to the idea. I don't know how I will though.

There's nothing waiting - I won't get to watch from above as my kids grow or anything. Why not? Why does it have to be like this? I just don't believe that it's not. I'm a realist and believe absolutely in science. Science shows there's nothing. Not one fucking thing. It makes me angry. I wonder if it would be better not to live at all because it seems so cruel to be given so much only to know that it will all be taken away. At least when I wasn't born yet, I had no idea of anything.

I'm so scared of all of this. I wish I could figure out how not to be. But, I can't.