ue I'm More Than Just a Mom...I Think: Life is Unfairu

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Life is Unfair

18 months ago, I wasn't blogging so I didn't mention anything about this. I did on a journal on that site I don't go to anywhere. It's possible that it's still public - perhaps I will find it later and make a copy.

Probably won't though. What's the point? It's all over anyways.

18 months ago, I made a huge decision. To try to find my birth mother. I paid an agency with an excellent track record a large sum of money to do the searching for me. I got useless updates every 3 months or so that basically said the same thing - they had no information yet but be patient, it sometimes takes upwards of a year.

Today, I got the official "we are closing your file because we can't find anything for you" letter. I burst into tears and went running into the bathroom. I think Dave thought someone died.

Someone might as well have. I will never, ever know now. Never. All my life, there has always been at least the fleeting thought that maybe one day I would know. Now, I'll never know.

This is a pain and sadness unlike any that I have ever known in my entire life. And I've been through some pretty painful shit. I think I'd rather go through all of that again.

David said we could keep trying - do something else - keep looking for her.

No, I can't keep trying. I can't go through this pain again, I don't think I'm strong enough. If I had gotten one, little, tiny piece of information from them, I might feel differently. But I got jack shit. What else could I have spent that money on, I wonder? Something that wouldn't have torn my heart out and stomped on it, I'm pretty sure.

I can't imagine that the pain I would feel a second time would be any nicer than what I'm feeling right now and, most probably, it would be worse. Why on earth should I subject myself to that? No thanks.

I'm avoiding going to bed because I really don't want to wake up tomorrow and feel this anymore. Fuck. I hate this.

8 Comments:

Blogger Ei said...

I keep thinking about the frustrating irony of this juxtaposed against your conversation with the girl child last week. Life is bizzare at best.

Life isn't fair, it is true. I wish I could make it so for you. Hugs my friend.

11:40 AM  
Blogger Karly said...

I just wanted to send you a hug and some love. You are in my thoughts. I hope you find some peace with time.

1:13 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

I was adopted at birth also. I have always had that small question mark in the back of my head. I have never gone through the process and I don't think that I will. The pain would be way to "real". I wish you peace.

1:19 PM  
Blogger Nessa said...

I'm sending you a huge hug! I was hoping you would find out something. I'm upset for you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

1:44 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

Cathy, I wish so much that you could find what you want and deserve. Sending you lots and lots of love.

8:53 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I'm sorry, Cathy. :(

9:04 AM  
Anonymous Lisa P said...

Cathy, I'm heartbroken reading your post. This is the big issue I have with all of the closed adoptions going on these days. It's all about the parents and not about the kids. I can image the crater you have in your heart and mind and I'm so sorry. I know the odds aren't in your favor, but I hope the fact you've made a point to look at least makes you traceable if you birth mother is still alive and happens to look for you.

9:34 PM  
Anonymous Leah said...

Cathy, I was so sorry to read this. I know how much you've wanted to know--I remember listening to you and Blaine talking about it more than a decade ago. I absolutely see why you wouldn't want to go through this again, plus I know you picked a service that knows what it's doing. This sucks. I wish you strength and am so glad Dave is being your rock.

3:47 PM  

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