Guilt
Guilt is an amazing thing. It can make people doubt themselves in an instant.
I've been lucky. I wasn't raised with a lot of guilt about things. There wasn't the guilt that comes with a lot of religions. There wasn't parental-induced guilt. Again, I'm really lucky.
Then why, as an adult, do I harbor so much of it?? I've had what I call emotional guilt quite a bit - but that's not what I'm dealing with right now.
I'm dealing with a strange phenomenon, to me at least. I'm feeling guilty for the life that I have. Why is that? Do I not deserve to be happy and have things that I want? Of course I do. Yet, the guilt is there.
Why today? Because my lovely laptop died, yet again. Hard drive = kaplooey. Dust. It is now David's new Frankenstein project. Who knows what he can do with it - it won't even boot up to an operating system.
So this morning, we went to Best Buy. I am now the proud owner of this little baby:
http://www.sonystyle.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10551&storeId=10151&langId=-1&productId=8198552921665406955
This thing is absolutely amazing. It's way more computer than I need, but David suggested it and I can only do what he says haha.
But, I feel guilty.
I don't NEED this. It's a huge chunk of money for something that I can play with. That's where the guilt comes in. I have so many friends who can't afford to get something like this and if they can, they can't just walk into a store and pay cash for it. I'm very lucky - I know this.
I shouldn't feel guilty. We have worked very hard for everything we have. Sure, some of it is just good luck that David's profession pays so well, but still, it's not like we just sit on our asses and don't do anything.
Kinda like I'm doing right now while the cleaning woman I just hired cleans my nasty house. Sigh. Let the 2nd level of guilt begin!
I've been lucky. I wasn't raised with a lot of guilt about things. There wasn't the guilt that comes with a lot of religions. There wasn't parental-induced guilt. Again, I'm really lucky.
Then why, as an adult, do I harbor so much of it?? I've had what I call emotional guilt quite a bit - but that's not what I'm dealing with right now.
I'm dealing with a strange phenomenon, to me at least. I'm feeling guilty for the life that I have. Why is that? Do I not deserve to be happy and have things that I want? Of course I do. Yet, the guilt is there.
Why today? Because my lovely laptop died, yet again. Hard drive = kaplooey. Dust. It is now David's new Frankenstein project. Who knows what he can do with it - it won't even boot up to an operating system.
So this morning, we went to Best Buy. I am now the proud owner of this little baby:
http://www.sonystyle.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10551&storeId=10151&langId=-1&productId=8198552921665406955
This thing is absolutely amazing. It's way more computer than I need, but David suggested it and I can only do what he says haha.
But, I feel guilty.
I don't NEED this. It's a huge chunk of money for something that I can play with. That's where the guilt comes in. I have so many friends who can't afford to get something like this and if they can, they can't just walk into a store and pay cash for it. I'm very lucky - I know this.
I shouldn't feel guilty. We have worked very hard for everything we have. Sure, some of it is just good luck that David's profession pays so well, but still, it's not like we just sit on our asses and don't do anything.
Kinda like I'm doing right now while the cleaning woman I just hired cleans my nasty house. Sigh. Let the 2nd level of guilt begin!
3 Comments:
No guilt necessary! Enjoy the efforts of your hard work and send the cleaning lady my way when you are done with her. ;)
I understand what you are describing. I felt it the other night in the bathtub. I was sitting there all relaxed and cozy in my paid for house with my full belly and found my mind remembering the article I read on the growing number of tent cities around the country. How do you really block that out? Should you?
I don't know C, I think maybe what you feel might just be connection to the larger world, knowing that your blessings are a part of it, but it's trials are a part of you. You are really one fucking cool broad, you know?
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