Surprising...
Sometimes, the feeling still hits me like a ton of bricks. The nausea, hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. There's nothing I can do about it. There is always that sense of "what if," even if the odds are almost impossible. The fact is, the fear is still there 5 years later. I have no reason to be so worried, but yet I am.
At first, I was upset at myself and thought it was a sign of weakness or self-doubt. You know, something that reflected badly upon me. I quickly realized that it's OK to sit with this feeling. There is nothing wrong with it. It will pass. But it hasn't passed. Now, it's not so much that I'm worried that it's going to happen again, it's more that I'm re-living 5 years ago.
I called him. I just wanted to tell him how I'm feeling and he was wonderful, of course. I hope he enjoys his night to himself.
It's very surprising to me how this can just sneak up on me, without warning or triggers. So, I sit here and I think hard - what could have triggered me? Was it his suspicions? No. What is it? It's some stupid bitch on one of the boards and her stupid self. See, I knew I should have given up all but 2 of the boards, but I didn't. I need to. Idiots.
The pessimistic side of me comes out once in a while still and I don't like it. I wonder when my life will come crashing down because it can't stay this good forever. Will Dave lose his job? Will I lose someone close to me? There are so many other things I worry about. Luckily, my medication helps and I don't ruminate so much. I think about things, but then I just stop. I used to have anxiety attacks because I couldn't get things out of my head. I'm so glad I'm not there anymore.
I feel a lot better after writing this
At first, I was upset at myself and thought it was a sign of weakness or self-doubt. You know, something that reflected badly upon me. I quickly realized that it's OK to sit with this feeling. There is nothing wrong with it. It will pass. But it hasn't passed. Now, it's not so much that I'm worried that it's going to happen again, it's more that I'm re-living 5 years ago.
I called him. I just wanted to tell him how I'm feeling and he was wonderful, of course. I hope he enjoys his night to himself.
It's very surprising to me how this can just sneak up on me, without warning or triggers. So, I sit here and I think hard - what could have triggered me? Was it his suspicions? No. What is it? It's some stupid bitch on one of the boards and her stupid self. See, I knew I should have given up all but 2 of the boards, but I didn't. I need to. Idiots.
The pessimistic side of me comes out once in a while still and I don't like it. I wonder when my life will come crashing down because it can't stay this good forever. Will Dave lose his job? Will I lose someone close to me? There are so many other things I worry about. Luckily, my medication helps and I don't ruminate so much. I think about things, but then I just stop. I used to have anxiety attacks because I couldn't get things out of my head. I'm so glad I'm not there anymore.
I feel a lot better after writing this
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