ue I'm More Than Just a Mom...I Think: A Year Ago....u

Thursday, October 12, 2006

A Year Ago....

Depression is a shitty thing. Let's not mince words and soften it up. It's hell on earth. I've gone my entire life without having a deal with it. It was always one of those "happens to other people" things. Never thought it would happen to me because, well, I was 33 years old and it had never affected me before - why now? But, it did. It was one of the worst times of my life.

So I sit here now, alone, at midnight, with the tv on, and I'm thinking how lucky I am to not feel that way anymore. To be happy. Appreciative of my life and everything I have. I won't pretend that life's been all roses and rainbows, but my life has definitely been easier than a lot of people. I'm extremely lucky to have been adopted by such a great family and raised well. I have compassion, love, and a fierce thirst for knowledge and growth. I have a wonderful husband, 3 fantastic kids - we live in a great house right near my parents (who leave us alone haha). Since I've been in my 30s, my life has been, alternately, the best it's ever been and the worst. I had two major life changes, one the greatest day of my life, and 6 months of the darkest days I've ever had. I actually lost 2 months of my life, from October to December of 2003 - I have rare memories of those months and the only ones I have are bad - I can't name a good or happy memory from that time. But, that's another story for another time and probably won't be discussed publically anyway.

A year ago, I was a mess. Just so sad all the time. Why did it hit me then? There are some theories but at this point, does it really matter? I was fixed by the magic of anti-depressants. I tried to go off the meds a few months ago. I succeeded after a hellish withdrawal (which I think I wrote about, but I don't feel like going back to see if I did or not), only to find that the tenseness and anxiety were coming back. I knew enough to recognize that's the beginning of depression for me. I start to feel trapped, like I need to run away - everything makes me snap, angry, nothing rolls off my back. Used to be like water off a duck, only to turn into a sponge. I saw a new doctor and got on a new medication - one that didn't scare me so much and didn't have such awful physical withdrawal symptoms.

It's finally starting to work - quack, quack, I'm my lovely old ducky self. Work is much less stressful - I'm less tense and best of all, I enjoy being around my children more.

I used to feel broken. I used to feel like something was wrong with me that I needed medication to make myself the same as I was a few years ago. Now, I feel like I finally understand it - I'm not broken. Why suffer if I don't have to? To be some kind of super-woman? Bullshit.

Of course, crazy is still part of me. I'm tearing up writing this, not out of sadness, but out of happiness - I don't need to feel that way anymore and I'm so thankful that I don't.

I'm a lucky, lucky person and I know this. I'm thankful for it every day.


Anonymous Stacie said...

I love you Cathy - you are where I was now just before I got pg with Victor. Just insanely happy and NORMAL feeling again ;) Enjoy! Oh, and aren't the fountains of Bellagio a freaking TRIP??? Wow..

2:34 PM  
Blogger chaos_girl said...

Wonderful post, Cath. Sometimes I wonder if I need antidepressants- but then I just soldier on and get to a good spot and forget about it. Bipolar much? LOL. I wish I had made it out to see you the weekend you were in town- I was just beat running from one job to the next- cannot wait for it to slow down!

10:56 AM  

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