Open Letter to Chris Martin.

I understand that you love me now. There's honestly no need to stalk me though, cuz hey, if you want me, come and get me. Dave won't mind.

I thought it was a tad coincidental that you got married on December 5th, which is also my anniversary. I figured, hey, that's kinda funny.

However, now I know that you love me. Your son, Moses, was born on my birthday. I'm sure you planned it that way. It's probably a wise idea not to tell your wife though, she might get upset. Also, she's pretty powerful and might have me killed.

I like my family and stuff, so please don't cause my death.

However, if you ever want a dark-haired kid, I make seriously cute ones. I'll happily give you my address and you can come on over. Just let my husband video tape it, ok?