ue I'm More Than Just a Mom...I Think: Lostu

Friday, October 08, 2004

Lost

And I don't mean the show (which, incidentally is one of the best shows on television right now).

I feel completely lost lately. I'm not myself anymore. I'm this jumbled mess of sadness and it doesn't make any sense to me. I have cried every day for 8 days straight. I haven't wanted to write about this because I feel downright psychotic sometimes. Then I thought to myself today that writing always makes me feel better, so why not just get it all out?

I can see all the good in my life every day, surrounding me. Yet, I feel so empty and sad. I feel like a failure. I don't feel like something is missing in my life and that's why I'm empty - I feel like I am not good enough for all of the things that I have. In spite of everything I have, I feel that I don't deserve it for some reason. I cannot grasp the concept of David's love for me - it makes no sense. I feel like I'm a burden, a miserable person, and a failure. Yet, he still loves me.

I'm tired of crying all the time. I'm tired of feeling so miserable. I'm tired of waiting for yet another thing to go wrong. Most of all, I'm just tired.

I need to get back to exercise class. I'm huge again because all I do is eat when I'm depressed. Exercise makes me feel good, yet, it's the last thing I want to go out and do. Dave says I have to get back to it because I'm much happier when I'm exercising. I can go tomorrow before I go to see Karen.

I'm constantly on the verge of breaking down. If I hear or think one little thing negative about myself, I get sent into a downward spiral. Like last night. My van wouldn't start. I should have told the mechanic about that when it was in for a tune up a few weeks ago, but I forgot. So, it won't start, I don't get to go to soccer, and I begin to feel like a complete idiot for not doing something about it sooner. I ended up sobbing for what felt like hours, in bed, desperate to not feel that way. This isn't right. It isn't normal. Worst of all, it's just not me.

I don't know who I've become. I don't know why I've become this person. I can't get a grasp on my feelings or emotions enough to change them.

None of this makes any sense to me. I hurt so much but I feel so powerless to stop the hurt, like it's overwhelming me. I'm afraid to be alone because I scare myself.

2 Comments:

Blogger Elizabeth said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:00 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

(((hugs))) Im always on my YIM if you want to talk.I hope things start to turn around and you start feeling better.

8:14 AM  

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