ue I'm More Than Just a Mom...I Think: Is it Illegal to Duct Tape a Toddler?u

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Is it Illegal to Duct Tape a Toddler?

I'm sure you didn't know this, but Zachary's picture is in the dictionary. Next to the definition of "kinetic energy". The kid can go all day without a nap and still have the energy to do his best Hurricane Zack impression. If he's not moving, he's talking. Now, he's at the point where we need to be involved in whatever it is that he's doing - he wants to show us everything and get our reaction. "Wook at me. Wook, I a wobot" (or, I a tiger, whatever mood strikes him). "Wook at me mommy. NOW!" I look, and he performs a perfect toddler somersault. Amazing, and I tell him so. Time for 15 minutes straight of somersaults and smiles, as if each time he performs this feat is the first time.

He loves to sit on my lap. Not still, of course, and (I think any mother of a toddler will relate to this) I had BETTER not try to move him around to facilitate getting to my laptop. No no, that is met with squirms and screams.

Sometimes, he will get down off of me, turn around with his stern face, point is index finger at me and say "Don't move, mommy. Stay wight dere, don't move!" This means he's getting food or drink to bring back onto "mommy chair".

I know I'm in trouble when he starts to direct how I should sit. "Mommy, put your hand dere. Put you udder hand wight here," he says as he gently puts my left arm on his lap and my right arm around his tummy onto his lap. "Aww," I think, "he wants me to hold him, what a sweet, sweet boy." HA - after nearly 3 years, I still have not figured out Zack's world to a T. Immediately after putting me in the hugging position, his fast-as-light fingers are pushing the button on my CD drive and popping it out. "I workin' mommy, I workin!" he yells trimphantly. "No, Zack, stop playing with my computer," mommy warns sternly. This is followed by a knowing chuckle from Mr. 2.5. And thus begins 10 minutes of hell for mommy. Trying to pin down a toddler sitting on your lap is NOT an easy thing to do, even if you outweigh the child by over 150 pounds. This kid is a like a greased pig when he wants something. I can try as I might to hold one arm down, but then the other pops out and BAM, my CD drive's open again.

Pinned again, he starts squirming. "Ah ha," I think, "I've got him now, he can't get away." And I'm right, except that my Internet obsession takes over within a few minutes and I loosen my grip to answer an IM or refresh a webpage and CLICK, my CD drive's open again.

"Zack, I'm going to make you get off mommy's lap if you don't stop it," I warn. "Heh. You stop it," he says, "I wanna WORK!". He slaps my hand and as I'm struggling to pin him again, POOF, my CD drive's open again.

ARGH. When he was younger, I taped my CD drive shut so he couldn't get to it. He's soooo much smarter than that now. "Tape, mommy, look, TAPE" he says, proudly holding the piece of tape that was covering my CD drive seconds ago.

And yes, my CD drive was open.


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