ue I'm More Than Just a Mom...I Think: You're Not Fat!!!!!!!!!!!!u

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

You're Not Fat!!!!!!!!!!!!

I absolutely hate to hear that.  Yes, I am fat.  Check all the books, lists, statistics.  I'm fat. I don't say that to get sympathy or whatnot - it's just a fact.  And I really do hate to hear "You're not fat".  That doesn't make me feel any better.

At my heaviest, I was 245 pounds and a size 24/26.  Now, I'm at a size 16, which is something to be proud of, certainly, but I'm still fat.   When I look in the mirror most of the time, I'm disgusted.  Yet, here I sit, off my diet, and having just blown off my exercise buddy who called, mere moments ago, as I was writing this to see if I was going to go to Jazzercise with her.  "No, Cassie's not here" I said, blaming it on my kid being at her friend's house when in fact, Cassie asked me earlier if she should be home so I could go to class and I said no.  I'll go on Saturday, I tell myself.  And I might.  I might not.  I think about food all the time.

I hate being fat, but I don't do much about it.  Granted, I have been dieting/exercising for a few years now, but never with any steadiness.  I do well for a few months, then get mad that I'm deprived and binge like crazy.  Kind of like the stage I'm in right now.  I want there to be a quick fix.  *Bing* a waving of a wand and I'm skinny.  It's not going to happen.  One day, I will be a size 12 maybe.  Perhaps even a 10?  I will get there some day.  Right?

Being fat is an exercise in and of itself.  It's emotionally draining, physically tiring at times and most of all, a huge inconvenience.  Now, I don't need to worry that I can't fit onto a roller coaster or that people will think the elevator is going to crash because I got on it.  But, I still worry about embarrassing my children.  Do I want them to have the "fat mom".  I don't feel as scared of that anymore, but it's still a fear.  When you're fat, people think they have the right to treat you as a subhuman.  They will yell comments to you, knowing that most likely you won't fight back.  How do I defend myself from someone who yells at me as I'm walking to get the mail "Damn, that ass is huge!".  I can't defend myself because it's a fact - he's right.  But, it still slices me to the bone.  It makes me feel worthless.  And yes, that's happened before.

I don't understand how David finds me attractive, I really don't.  It blows me away how much he loves me, I just can't fathom it.  Of course I'm happy about it, I'm not retarded, I just don't understand it.  Perhaps I'm shallow?  But then I stop and think.  Really think.  If David was 50 pounds overweight, would I still love him and want to have sex with him?  You bet your ass I would!!!! So maybe I do understand?  Do I?  Maybe.  Maybe not.

Right now, I really want ice cream.  Will that ice cream make me happy? No, it won't, but it will taste good!!!


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