You're Not Fat!!!!!!!!!!!!
I absolutely hate to hear that. Yes, I am fat. Check all the books, lists, statistics. I'm fat. I don't say that to get sympathy or whatnot - it's just a fact. And I really do hate to hear "You're not fat". That doesn't make me feel any better.
At my heaviest, I was 245 pounds and a size 24/26. Now, I'm at a size 16, which is something to be proud of, certainly, but I'm still fat. When I look in the mirror most of the time, I'm disgusted. Yet, here I sit, off my diet, and having just blown off my exercise buddy who called, mere moments ago, as I was writing this to see if I was going to go to Jazzercise with her. "No, Cassie's not here" I said, blaming it on my kid being at her friend's house when in fact, Cassie asked me earlier if she should be home so I could go to class and I said no. I'll go on Saturday, I tell myself. And I might. I might not. I think about food all the time.
I hate being fat, but I don't do much about it. Granted, I have been dieting/exercising for a few years now, but never with any steadiness. I do well for a few months, then get mad that I'm deprived and binge like crazy. Kind of like the stage I'm in right now. I want there to be a quick fix. *Bing* a waving of a wand and I'm skinny. It's not going to happen. One day, I will be a size 12 maybe. Perhaps even a 10? I will get there some day. Right?
Being fat is an exercise in and of itself. It's emotionally draining, physically tiring at times and most of all, a huge inconvenience. Now, I don't need to worry that I can't fit onto a roller coaster or that people will think the elevator is going to crash because I got on it. But, I still worry about embarrassing my children. Do I want them to have the "fat mom". I don't feel as scared of that anymore, but it's still a fear. When you're fat, people think they have the right to treat you as a subhuman. They will yell comments to you, knowing that most likely you won't fight back. How do I defend myself from someone who yells at me as I'm walking to get the mail "Damn, that ass is huge!". I can't defend myself because it's a fact - he's right. But, it still slices me to the bone. It makes me feel worthless. And yes, that's happened before.
I don't understand how David finds me attractive, I really don't. It blows me away how much he loves me, I just can't fathom it. Of course I'm happy about it, I'm not retarded, I just don't understand it. Perhaps I'm shallow? But then I stop and think. Really think. If David was 50 pounds overweight, would I still love him and want to have sex with him? You bet your ass I would!!!! So maybe I do understand? Do I? Maybe. Maybe not.
Right now, I really want ice cream. Will that ice cream make me happy? No, it won't, but it will taste good!!!
At my heaviest, I was 245 pounds and a size 24/26. Now, I'm at a size 16, which is something to be proud of, certainly, but I'm still fat. When I look in the mirror most of the time, I'm disgusted. Yet, here I sit, off my diet, and having just blown off my exercise buddy who called, mere moments ago, as I was writing this to see if I was going to go to Jazzercise with her. "No, Cassie's not here" I said, blaming it on my kid being at her friend's house when in fact, Cassie asked me earlier if she should be home so I could go to class and I said no. I'll go on Saturday, I tell myself. And I might. I might not. I think about food all the time.
I hate being fat, but I don't do much about it. Granted, I have been dieting/exercising for a few years now, but never with any steadiness. I do well for a few months, then get mad that I'm deprived and binge like crazy. Kind of like the stage I'm in right now. I want there to be a quick fix. *Bing* a waving of a wand and I'm skinny. It's not going to happen. One day, I will be a size 12 maybe. Perhaps even a 10? I will get there some day. Right?
Being fat is an exercise in and of itself. It's emotionally draining, physically tiring at times and most of all, a huge inconvenience. Now, I don't need to worry that I can't fit onto a roller coaster or that people will think the elevator is going to crash because I got on it. But, I still worry about embarrassing my children. Do I want them to have the "fat mom". I don't feel as scared of that anymore, but it's still a fear. When you're fat, people think they have the right to treat you as a subhuman. They will yell comments to you, knowing that most likely you won't fight back. How do I defend myself from someone who yells at me as I'm walking to get the mail "Damn, that ass is huge!". I can't defend myself because it's a fact - he's right. But, it still slices me to the bone. It makes me feel worthless. And yes, that's happened before.
I don't understand how David finds me attractive, I really don't. It blows me away how much he loves me, I just can't fathom it. Of course I'm happy about it, I'm not retarded, I just don't understand it. Perhaps I'm shallow? But then I stop and think. Really think. If David was 50 pounds overweight, would I still love him and want to have sex with him? You bet your ass I would!!!! So maybe I do understand? Do I? Maybe. Maybe not.
Right now, I really want ice cream. Will that ice cream make me happy? No, it won't, but it will taste good!!!
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