I'm More Than Just a Mom...I Think

I Can Feel It

2010-05-03T23:57:00.002-04:00

The black cloud. It's greyish right now and hanging over me, but I don't think it's going anywhere, no matter how hard I try.

I'm so down and depressed lately. Nothing is going right. After the last posts, I had yet another bad thing happen. Our old girl, Shakes, died. She was 19 years old and it was so sad, but she was ready to go. Yet another thing to add to my list of horrible things that have happened this year.

A good thing (well two) has come out of it. Our new fur babies, Kobe and Pumpkin. They are amazingly sweet rescue cats and I love them very much. They bring me happiness.

But not much else does. It's affecting my work now. Boss is all worried about me, blah blah blah. I'm snapping at everyone there - of course, they are all idiots, but you know. It's seriously hard to run a restaurant when you hate people and when all you want to do is crawl into a ball and sleep forever.

No one understands, except David, but unfortunately, he's been feeling down, so he can't help. I can't help him. (sarcasm) It's great (/sarcasm)

I need my vacation, but I have to wait 2 months for that. I just want this all to go away.

15 Years Later...

2010-04-19T22:00:00.002-04:00

Today is the anniversary of the Oklahoma City Bombing. I don't want to do the whole "I will never forget where I was" - no one cares where I was. Watching the clips again, it's still very shocking. I was only a young adult, with no children - I was only just about to get into my relationship with David, so I didn't know the profound loss that many of these parents suffered. I still don't know it, thankfully, but I can imagine it and it breaks my heart.

But, I want to talk about an angle of this story that no one ever talks about.

The man who did this was not a monster. He was not crazy. He lacked empathy, he lacked many 'normal' facets of his psyche, which allowed him to be easily influenced. He was, pretty much, a 'regular guy.' Except that he was not really capable of love. He has said in his own words that he didn't feel like he loved his parents. But, I'm sure that they loved him very much.

What I want to talk about is his family. My heart hurts watching all of these clips because I wonder, did anyone comfort his parents? His sisters? Was anyone there for them? What they must feel...it's just unfathomable.

I saw some footage of people cheering upon the completion of his execution. Cheering and being happy that a person died. Again, I never have never understood that mindset, but all I think about when I see that are his parents and his loved ones. There were people who loved him and they shouldn't be criticized or hated for that.

I wonder how the family is doing. I think about the Columbine killers' parents from time to time as well and how vilified they were in the press, how hated they were for something that they did not do. I wonder if Timothy McVeigh's parents were treated the same way.

So today, on the anniversary of the loss of 168 lives, I will also remember the loss of the 169th life and not mourn his passing nor be sad he is dead, but I will feel sadness for his family and their loss because today marks the beginning of their hell, as well.

And I think people forget to remember them...

Thanks for nothing...

2010-04-12T12:07:00.002-04:00

Whomever I was pleading to was obviously, not listening...

It has been a week since my friend, Marty, died. Marty is the first of my childhood friends to die (as an adult). It was shocking, beyond measure and I'm still not really letting it all sink in. So, I want to talk about Marty.

I first met Marty when I was 10 years old. I joined an acting group and he was one of the 'techies' who helped run the shows. He was 7 years older than me, but he might as well have been 40 in my childish head. I saw him on my first day and thought he looked scary. He was a BIG guy and the first time I saw him, he was not smiling and was looking quite serious. I decided to avoid him.

Through the years there, I learned that Marty was quite the opposite of scary. He had a booming laugh, he was kind and gentle with all the kids (including the baby of one of the other staff members - someone shared a great story at his funeral of him, giant, hulking Marty, holding little baby Bryan and carrying him around, looking completely content). Marty gave the best hugs.

We lost touch over the years, but a few years ago, someone got a yahoo group together for the theater and we set up a huge reunion at a farm a few summers ago. I took Zack with me and he had the same reaction to Marty when he first saw him - mouth-opened awe of the giant black man who came running towards his mommy :) Marty scooped up my then over 200 lb ass and gave me a giant hug. He then bent down, eye to eye with Zack, to introduce himself. Zack gave him a high five and ran off to play with the other kids.

Marty and I stood around for a few minutes, catching up. He looked exactly the same. 40 something years old and he looked the same as he did when we were kids. He hadn't gotten married or had kids, but he was soon to reunite with another cast member, who would end up being the love of his life. I still smile when I think about them together.

The last few years, we saw each other a couples times a year at get togethers. I could always count on Marty to be there and give me a great hug. He made my friend Kara so happy and they soon became engaged. The group moved to Facebook and we all spoke quite a bit on there.

A few weeks ago, Marty had the flu. No big deal. A few status messages here and there - then Kara posting that she was going to go ahead and take him to the ER. They didn't have health insurance, so I knew he had to be pretty sick for them to do that. But, no alarms went off - figured he had the flu, or pneumonia or something.

Within 24 hours, he was being taken into surgery and then...he was in a coma. What? How was this happening?

It was not until the very end of his life that I found out exactly what had happened. Apparently, he had developed a strep infection and it had spread through his body. He had two separate surgeries to remove infections on his leg. But the damage was already done and his heart stopped during the 2nd surgery. He was on life support for over a week. His brain was swollen, his kidneys weren't working.

Some of our friends went up to see him (and to help take care of Kara, who was devastated, but still had hope). Then, the more serious updates. EEGs were coming back showing low brain activity. Friday, April 2nd the last one came back as him having "very little" brain activity and we knew this was it.

Thankfully, I was able to switch my shift on Saturday the 3rd and my friend Lisa drove us up to PA to see Marty.

I was not prepared for seeing someone on life support. It is not as they show in the movies and tv, as cheesy as that sounds, but it's not. It was very loud. He would cough. His eyes opened and he looked around. I thought "well, then he's obviously not dead" but it was simply a reflex. A very disturbing reflex, but a reflect none the less.

We sat with Marty and Kara. We talked to him and hugged him. But he didn't hug back. It was awful. I hugged him so tightly, I made him cough. I felt bad, but it made Kara laugh, so I stopped feeling bad about it. I wish we could have stayed with him longer, but I had to go to work.

They turned off the machines shortly after we left and he died 12 hours later.

This giant, hulk of a man...gentle teddy bear at heart...a man so full of life...now he's dead and I still can't wrap my brain around it. I wanted to go to his wedding. I wanted to convince Kara and they should have a baby together (she has 2 daughters already). David said later that Marty was one of those people that he wished he could have gotten to know better. I wish that, too, honey. They have the same seriously warped sense of humor and would have gotten along great.

The funeral was Saturday. It was awful, even though there were lots of shared stories and laughing, it was the finality of it that really got to me. There he was, in a casket. He really is dead. It's not a dream, or a joke. I saw so many of my friends crying that day, openly sobbing for the loss of their friend. It breaks my heart to think about it.

This is something that we all have to go through, unfortunately - the loss of a friend. I just thought it wouldn't happen until we were all a lot older.

So rest in peace, dear Marty. There are so many people here who love you and miss you. We will always remember you.

Well...

2010-03-02T18:43:00.003-05:00

It's been almost a year since I wrote anything. I don't know if anyone even reads this - I don't much care either way. Just writing for myself.

So much has happened this past year. I'm honestly just a tired soul at this point. So much bad keeps happening. So much. But, it's always tempered and balanced by all the good. There is a lot of good in my life. Sometimes, I forget it. So, every day, I try to remember the good. Some days, it's very difficult. Some days, like today, it's easy as pie.

Of course, I'm sitting on my friend's couch in California, the last of a 4 day vacation to Napa and the surrounding areas, so it's very easy to be relaxed and happy right now. It's been blissful. No one to deal with but myself - I can do what I want, when I want. I've been a little lonely, but I'm a social person, so I've found people to talk to at the wineries and restaurants and such, so I'm not suffering haha.

I want a few months of nothing eventful happening. I'm tired, down to my core, of the bad things. And here's the thing - this last year - these bad things haven't been just bad, they have been life-altering awful. Two of them in 6 months. That's just not fair, by any standard of fairness.

I hear a lot "If anyone can handle this it's you (or you guys, meaning me and Dave)." That's a nice sentiment, I'm not going to lie, but for once, just once, I'd like for someone else to have to deal with it. What if I break down and completely lose my mind, will I then get a break and not have to "handle it" anymore? Probably not, but a girl can dream.

My life does not suck by any means. My life is not horrible. It's actually wonderful, fulfilling, interesting, and fun. But, it's all these good things, with this cloud of awfulness all the time. Or what feels like all the time. I'm very thankful that we are able to afford things like this trip for me to get away. I can't even imagine what I would do if I couldn't get a mental health vacation. I hope that I can get Dave one soon, he definitely deserves it.

So, please. Whomever or whatever keeps piling this shit on me - you can stop. Really. I'm done. Don't need anything else on top of this or I'll break. That's my plea. Have a nice day.

Sometime I Wonder

2009-04-22T23:36:00.002-04:00

I wonder if Alex is going to be a normal adult. I have always said "things will get better when puberty hits - he will mature" but puberty is nowhere in sight. There is not one shred or tiny sign that it's even on its way. He will be 13 in two weeks. He looks like he's 10. He acts like he's 7.

A lady at the restaurant tonight saw that he was reading Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and was open-mouthed and all "you're reading THAT - oh my gosh!". I wanted to say "he's 13, lady, he's not 8" but Alex was so happy she was talking to him about it and David was so proud - "He's read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, too, I couldn't even get through that," that I didn't say anything. But it's the truth. She never would have said that if he looked his age.

I tried having a serious conversation with him last night. I took him to dinner, just me and him. I wanted to know some more about his friends and what they were into. More specifically, in a roundabout way, I'm trying to find some sign that my kid likes girls. Or hell, boys. Likes anyone in that way ya know? Trying to have a normal conversation with Alex is an exercise in futility. I was given quick, one-word answers, with follow up questions that had nothing to do with the topic at hand. He'd start talking about Garfield, or movies, or video games. He won't talk about normal, regular topics. I couldn't even get out ANY of the questions I wanted ot ask before I completely gave up.

It's frustrating.

Then there's the fact that he acts like Zack's age when they are together. I can't leave my 7 year old in the hands of my 13 year old because my 13 year old will hit him when he thinks Zack's threatening him in some way (verbal or whatnot and not even his safety - perhaps tattle-taling or something). Or, he will be intentially cruel to Zack, who only wants to play with his big brother. Oh, I won't lie. Zack is NOT innocent - he's a 7 year old boy. He pushes Alex's buttons, that's for sure. But at 13, Alex should not react like he does and it's frustrating.

I would like nothing more than to send them both out to visit with their grandmother in Phoenix, but I can't. There is no way that I would inflict their constant bickering and fighting on anyone else. It's honestly like having twins who hate each other. There is no difference in their maturity level except, and I hate to say this, Zack is often times more mature than Alex.

Sometimes, I truely worry for my son's future. I just want him to be normal. I have a hard time accepting the fact that he's not, so now I grasp onto the hope that he will grow to be normal...

I suppose I should update

2009-04-13T11:38:00.003-04:00

Dave's still here - no strike yet. This is great. I'm beginning to think that it may not happen. Dave grew a strike beard haha - he won't shave until he knows for sure he's not going.

I really need a vacation. I'm trying to work it out so we can go to Arizona for Xmas, but I don't known if that will happen or not. Either way, I need some time off before that. I'm getting seriously burned out right now. I need to stand up for myself and say "look, it's been over a year since I had a vacation - I'm supposed to get 2 weeks a year, I need to take some time off." And I don't mean trading shifts, I mean some days OFF.

Easiest day to get covered is my Wednesday opening shift - maybe I can get a few of those covered and have some 3 day off stretches. I'd like to take the boys to the beach. I'd also like to go to the place that I suggested my bosses go - Great Wolf Lodge. The boys would love it.

I'm off today and tomorrow and I don't even want to think about work - I'm going to try my best not to.

Hurry up, April...

2009-03-29T20:45:00.002-04:00

March has sucked big, fat donkey balls.

April has GOT to be better, right?

Eh, probably not - gonna be probably one of my worst birthdays to date, but I can dream...

Of course, Dave will probably be sent to California in April, so perhaps April isn't going to be any better.

Blah.

Bring on, um, June??

You'd think after 12 years...

2009-03-13T13:02:00.002-04:00

of being a parent, simple sickness wouldn't throw me off.

Zack's still sick. I ended up at the ER with him on Sunday night and I felt stupid for it, but now not so much.

I got a few texts from Dave while I was at work on Sunday. Zack was sleeping on the couch, so we knew he was sick. His fever went from 99 to 102 in the span of a few hours, WITH two doses of medication. He kept complaining that his head hurt, which he never does, so there was no way I was going to take chances with that. The doctor said flu and menengitis tests were negative.

The fever went away by Wednesday and he was back to school. Today is Friday and I just picked him up from school :( He's lost his voice, his throat is sore and he's coughing. Poor kid can't catch a break and I feel completely lost and baffled. Do I take him back to the doctor? Watch him over the weekend?

Poor kid :(

Watch out...

2009-03-06T10:14:00.002-05:00

I'm happy - and when I'm happy I talk haha

Cassie got accepted into the University of Maryland. We are THRILLED. Best of all? She applied, paid for the application, etc. on her own and without us even knowing about it until after the fact!! She had talked about doing it, but she's always been a lot of talk and no action. She cried when she got the acceptance letter. I am so proud of her and thrilled that she got in. She will be starting in the Fall. Thanks to my parents, there is some money set aside to help out with college. It's not going to cover all 4 years or anything, but hey, it's a start!!

So, this morning, I get online to pay some bills and get caught up on some stuff. Still pretty freaking happy about Cassie, incidentally.

I log into Bank of America and I see a current balance that is NOT what I thought it should be. I called Dave and left him a message. Now, I remember, he said something about a bonus coming, but he said maybe $3,000 or $4,000...not $9500.00.

My first thought was "oh no, this is compensation money for when he goes to California next month - I can't spend this because he's looking for another job and he might quit." But that doesn't make sense. Who gives an advance for something you haven't done yet (in real life?).

Sure enough. It's his bonus. Wow. Here's the thing - we can REALLY use this money right now. I have $2,000 in medical bills from my surgery. We have $1100 that we owe for dental procedures.

As I said before, David is trying to get another job. He's not 100% sure that he will go to California if he's still working for AT&T and if he doesn't, he will get fired. This money will hold us over for a month or so if that does happen. I went ahead and paid all the bills and then put the rest away - well, I put it toward our home equity loan that we're paying off and we can always take it back if we need it.

Such a huge weight has been lifted paying off those medical bills in full and having that fall back option if we have an emergency. I have de-stressed about 50% because of this. I feel good.

Now, we just need to get Dave another job...

AT&T Can Suck It

2009-02-23T22:10:00.002-05:00

California.

They are sending him to California.

Guess when he leaves? 5 days before my birthday. Guess when his mother comes in to visit? The day after he leaves.

Who doesn't have a 'normal' job? Me. I'm lucky that I have a set schedule, but duh, as a restaurant manager, I have to work other hours. How on earth am I going to do this without Dave here?

I'm starting to flip out about this. I mean, honestly, I have most of this covered. My mom's going to help - I have some friends who can help - BUT it's the unknowns. It's the "oh shit, we have 200 covers and 7 servers" nights when I need to get up there and help at a moment's notice (I sound like Superman LOL).

Ok ok, deep breaths. People do this shit all the time - people who have SPOUSES IN THE FUCKING MILITARY, which I don't.

I think I'd be a lot better dealing with this if I knew how long he's going to be gone.

He could miss Alex's 13th birthday. I'm sure Cassie won't care that he's gone for her birthday, too, but I'm seriously hoping he could at least fly back then, since it's Memorial Day this year.

This just sucks. There's no two ways about it. But, I'll deal. Because I always do and I have no choice.

Well, shit.

2009-02-12T13:16:00.002-05:00

Dave just called. You know it's never good when he says "so I have some kinda bad news." This means a) it's not KINDA, it definitely is and b) it involves his job.

He's been volunteered for strike duty. Which means that if there is a strike, which is pretty likely, he will get assigned to another state to work for several months. Don't know how far away. Don't know how long. With my work schedule, this is definitely NOT a good thing. I told Dave we'll deal with it when the time comes. But, my mind is already racing at how I'm going to do this.

I guess I'll have to fall back on Cassie. I figure it's the least she can do at this point. She's off on Sundays, which is my open to close day, so she can watch the boys on that day. That's the most important day that I need covered.

I can more than likely have my friend Ann pick Zack up from after-school care on Thursdays and Fridays. Gotta figure out who can watch him on those nights.

This is where I start to get more angry. Why can't Alex be normal enough to watch his little brother? He's almost 13 years old and there is no way that I can leave them alone on nights that I work and that's not how it should be. I hate the idea of spending money on after-school care and then big chunks of money on a sitter for Thursday and Friday nights. It would be nice if Cassie's work schedule could work with mine, but I'm not entirely sure if it can. We'll see.

I guess I won't worry about it until the time comes, but on the other hand, I really should have a plan in place. Blah!

Oh, not a minor thought here - months away from Dave? The longest we've been apart is 3 weeks. This is not going to be easy. At least this time, we'll be able to talk all the time, unlike when he's been out of the country. Blah x2.

I Just Don't Get It...

2009-02-10T15:58:00.003-05:00

I had to change my cell phone number again yesterday. Sigh. My bosses have been saying for months that I should get a new cell phone number and not give it to any of the staff. I kept saying, no it's fine, it's not really that much of a bother. Until recently.

Please remember - this is Valentine's Week. This means that I'm looking at a VERY busy weekend where all three of us managers will be working every day and the servers are going to be tired. My servers know we're stressed and over-worked right now. Saturday night, one of them keeps texting me (on my night off) asking me if he can have off on Sunday. That's where it started...but it gets better...

I had one of the most hellish days at work on Sunday with everything breaking. I'm not kidding. Here's the run down of Sunday:

Around noon I realize the internet isn't working. Yes, this is a big deal. It means our online reservations won't work. It means we can't run credit cards. It's a big deal. I spend 30 minutes on the phone with Verizon, only for it to work again for 20 seconds. Call them back and it's "Oh there's an outage in your area, but we don't know when it will be fixed."

2 hours later, I call back. Oh, the problem's fixed but our internet still doesn't work. They end up having to re-set our router. Ok, it's all good. Cathy doesn't stop to think that if we now have a new IP address, some other things aren't going to work.

Sure enough, Open Table (online reservations) is down. I call them. 20-30 minutes to get that fixed.

Poof - all of the POS stations go down (where the servers enter orders, print checks, etc - like the most important things in the restaurant?). 40 minutes on the phone with that tech guy. What seriously pissed me off about that was I told him "look, we had our router re-set, we have a different IP address, so how do I fix this?" He goes through 20+ minutes of troubleshooting only to say "yes, it's the IP address issue." Yeah, fuck you - I'm not a moron. FINALLY get that working.

Internet doesn't work on the machine that sends all of our data to corporate. I finally figure out how to fix that. Ugh.

It was NOT a great day. Let me also mention that earlier in the day - between the hours of 8am and 9am I'm getting a ton of text messages from two servers that don't want to work that night. Are you kidding me? I'm not even IN THE RESTAURANT YET at 8am. I end up in tears frustrated by 9:30 because I've wasted over an hour arguing with people over texts instead of getting shit done around the restaurant.

So yesterday, I'm off. I'm sitting at home around 11:30am with David, watching TV. RELAXING. NOT working. Same server who was texting me on Saturday night calls me. I answer because he's a part-time manager, too, so I figure it's probably something important.

That asshat.

He starts bitching about how I wrote the schedule for the following week. No, I'm not kidding. Asking why I scheduled everyone at noon on Sunday instead of staggering shifts. I was NOT being nice to him with my responses. One and two word answers - lots of pauses in between. It's obviously I'm pissed off.

What upsets me the most is that he worked on Sunday - he KNOWS the day I had. Yet, he thinks it's appropriate to call me on my day off and bitch about the schedule? That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I called AT&T immediately and got a new number. Not giving it to ANY of my employees, except for one of my kitchen guys who speaks English and he won't give it to anyone else. He's my go-to guy whenever someone in the kitchen calls out. The other employees? Fuck them. They can get in touch with me the same way as they get in touch with John & Dana. At the restaurant. WHEN I'M WORKING.

I can't tell you how quiet yesterday and today have been. I didn't realize until now how often my employees texted me or called me before. It will be nice to work an opening shift tomorrow without the barrage of texts of "are we busy? are you cutting?"

What I don't get (the title of this post) is how people think it's OK to bother their boss on her day off? Where do you get the sense of entitlement that you think you know better about writing the schedule than me? And you're going to call me on my day off to tell me about it? Seriously? I don't get it.

Zack vs. the ice storm

2009-01-29T20:07:00.007-05:00

Ice storm won:

Did you seriously think he wouldn't make this face at some point? Come on, you know my son...

He got a little close, dontcha think?

Zack loves being outside. Even though our yard is a sheet of ice, he's been outside like 5 times today. When he found out school was two hours late, he suited up and went outside to play. As soon as we got home from school today? Yup, outside playing.

Dave was shoveling the walk and didn't see what happened, but apparently Zack ate it pretty hard. Poor kid was terrified when he ran in the house. He's just overdramatic when it comes to cuts and things. I had to say probably 4 times, "Zack, you are fine, if something was really wrong, do you think I'd just sit here or do you think I'd get up and take you to the hospital?"

I have no clue how he got to be so dramatic *wink wink*

So Much For Daily Updates

2009-01-27T09:11:00.002-05:00

Yeah, well, I've been busy.

The surgery went well. The time in the recovery room at the hospital? Not so much. It was exactly what I was dreading, yet expecting at the same time. I do love the Women's Surgery Center, though, it's such a great facility. We didn't have to wait too long in the lobby, which is always nice.

They took me back to the pre-op room, where I changed into my gown (a double gown, incidentally so no ass hanging out, nice!). They let Dave come back after I was dressed and he waited with me. We talked to the anesthesiologist and my doctor about what to expect. Not 5 minutes later, I was on the table.

"This may burn a little" and bam, out like a light.

I woke up in a lot of pain. As soon as I was coherant enough to tell the nurse my pain was an 8, she gave me some kind of narcotic painkiller. I don't remember what, though I know it wasn't morphine - perhaps dulaudin (sp?). Whatever it was, I didn't like it.

I'm not a narcotics girl. I had morphine about 15 years ago when I had a kidney stone and I never want to have that again. I don't like how it makes me feel. So, needless to say, I didn't like this stuff either. I couldn't stay awake for more than about a minute at a time, but I also couldn't sleep for any period of time either. So, I was constantly falling asleep and then waking up. Pain wasn't really going down, so another dose. Ugh.

Dizzy. Not fun. Nauseated. Less fun. Meds for nausea - pretty good. They had told Dave it would be about an hour after they took me in that he could see me. Well, I kept asking for him and the nurse said he couldn't come back until I was more awake and responsive. Out I went again. It was 2 hours before Dave was able to come back. Poor guy, I know he was worried.

I went through an hour or so of pain at level 4, which I could totally deal with, but I wasn't able to pee and I wasn't able to stay awake and sit up without being extremely dizzy. They don't let you leave until you pee, FYI. Talk about pressure.

At around 11am, I started to get really agitated, physically. I was antsy. I wanted to leave. I was finally able to stay awake and I was miserable. I just wanted my own bed!!! FINALLY about 20 minutes later, I was able to go to the bathroom and they let me leave close to noon.

FYI, my surgery was at 7:30am. I was expecting to be home well before noon. Oh well.

The ride home was hell on earth. First off, remember, I'm still really dizzy, pain's at a level 4 and the drugs are wearing off, so it's getting to start hurting more. Did I mention that I'm prone to motion-sickness? Poor Dave. I was curled up in the front seat in the fetal position and every time we went around a corner, I thought I was going to vomit or pass out (I did neither). There was a lot of groaning from me and apologies from Dave, even though he was driving as smoothly as he could.

Did I also mention that I live at least 30 minutes from the hospital? Yup, our local hospital is 1 mile from my house, but my doctor doesn't have surgery privileges there - only in surrounding counties (long story short, when I worked in the county over years and years ago, he was in my office building and that's how I found him - I'm telling you, there is nothing more convenient when you are hugely pregnant and on weekly visits to have your doctor right downstairs. They would call me and tell me when he was ready to see me so I didn't have to sit and wait. Awesome).

Once I got home, I stumbled in the door, quite literally. My son is a sweet, sweet boy. His little 7 year old self took me by the arm, hooked his arm around mine, and walked me up the stairs. I have some foresight and I was dressed to go to sleep, so I crashed fairly quickly, but not after some nice hugs from both boys.

Dave got my Percocet filled (and thank goodness that stuff is cheap - we still didn't have our insurance cards, so we had to pay full price). I was so tired, I was sleeping through the pain anyways, but when I woke up, that stuff was awesome.

I slept most of the day on Monday, whether upstairs or here on the couch. I was still pretty out of it on Tuesday, as well.

I was told I'd feel well enough for normal activities (with some restrictions) within 48 hours. Nah, more like 72 and even then, not so much. I'm so glad I had that extra day to recover and didn't have to work until Thursday.

The recovery days were just fine - I feel great now and I was never really miserable once I was home and those first 24 hours passed.

I have a follow up appointment on Monday, where I should be released to full activity, but I'm not sure about that - I thought I read somewhere that lifting restrictions go on for about 6 weeks.

I'm shocked at how little bleeding occured following surgery. I didn't have to use more than a pantiliner after the 2nd day and even before that, everything was infinitely lighter than an actual period, so I was thrilled. Only time will tell if this has worked, but I have a really good feeling it has :)

A Laugh While I'm Recovering

2009-01-20T09:21:00.003-05:00

Surgery went well. I'm wiped out. Before I go lay down again, I must share this IM conversation that I had with Zack on Sunday. He sends me texts on my cell phone from Yahoo Instant Messenger when I'm at work. I have to figure out how to save it on my phone forever because it's hilarious!!!

Zack: hi mom
Me: Hi baby
Z: i am waching eddswoldzobieattack (translation: I'm watching Edd's World Zombie Attack)
M: Is it good?
Z: mmhhuh
M: Are you having a good day?
Z: yes
M: Good. I miss you
Z: in one part edd is takeing a shortcutand ses and we just take a left here and holy s
M: Haha that's funny.
Z: the s mean's shit
Z: sorry i menchind that

I'm dying that he thought that he needed to explain to me what "holy s" means. Then he apologizes for mentioning it.

God, I love my kid.

The MIA Entry

2009-01-18T00:11:00.002-05:00

I said I wanted to blog as close to daily as I can, but I won't be able to tomorrow and probably not on Monday, so I'll just do a quick one before bed (that's what she said).

Took the boys to Medieval Times tonight. Man, that place is so much fun. Luckily, they are offering some kick-ass deals on tickets right now and we were able to go, all four of us, for $102.00. Yup. Half-price baby!!! I love a good deal.

The boys had a blast, and so did Dave and I. We are goofballs and we totally embrace that.

Speaking of goofballs - man did I have a great time last night with some old high school friends. Two of them were coming in from out of town and we all "Facebooked" each other to get together. Well, they couldn't do it tonight, on my night off, so everyone came into the restaurant last night while I was working. We had a blast. I haven't seen some of these people in 18 years!!! But it was like no time had passed (except that we were all old enough to drink and we were talking about our kids). Everyone was totally at ease with everyone else and a wonderful time was had by all. Yes, you can see the pics up on Facebook, oy. They stayed for almost 5 hours - it was fantastic. I can't wait to do it again.

I'm working open to close tomorrow and the going in for my surgery extremely early in the morning on Monday. I'm nervous, but as my wonderful friend Eileen says, if I weren't nervous, I'd be a robot.

Pretty sure I'm not a robot. Not today at least.

Wish me luck...

It only took 21 years...

2009-01-16T12:18:00.002-05:00

But I actually ran out of gas today.

Let me preface this with the fact that David will be so proud of me for admitting this publically ;)

When I drove home last night from work, I had 1/4 tank of gas (well, it appeared that I did). Today is Dave's day to get Zack up and take him to school so I can sleep. In my grogginess this morning, I advised Dave to warm the van up first because it's friggin' 12 degrees outside. He does.

About 20 minutes later (TWENTY MINUTES, that's just too long and I need to talk to him about THAT), he and Zack come back inside and Dave comes upstairs, not very pleased. "Your car just ran out of gas, so I want you to take care of this."

WHAT? Seriously? I run that shit down to the bottom line, but I've never run out of gas and I've never left so little gas that someone else ran out while using it, either.

I told Dave to put the gas from the lawnmower gas can in the van and that should give him plenty to get Zack to school. He got into the car and saw that it was still really low to the bottom line and refused to drive Zack :)

Funny thing - when I pulled out of the driveway and got the car level, what do you think I saw? A 'full' quarter tank of gas. Stupid slanted driveway.

So thanks to gravity, I have a new first in my life. Boo!

I wasn't kidding...

2009-01-15T10:46:00.007-05:00

This is what I came upstairs to last night when I went to bed:

I put her on the bed and she went right over to him. I caught her in mid-lick of her chest, so her head looks weird:

And for the heck of it - a picture from a few minutes ago. Man, she's cute:

Insurance Hell

2009-01-14T23:38:00.002-05:00

I've decided to try to blog as close to daily as I can. Doesn't necessarily interesting, but I need to get my thoughts out more often.

Today I worked open to close. My boss is in Texas, so I worked her night shift (I normally open on Wednesday). She will work my day shift next Wed, while I recover from my surgery.

Speaking of - I ended up screaming and in tears with the insurance company today. I'm so frustrated, I can't see straight. The new insurance hasn't registered us yet, even though Dave put in all the info over a week ago. They said it takes 48 hours to get into the system. The woman I talked to today said 2 WEEKS. I explained that I have a surgical procedure scheduled for Monday and my doctor NEEDS to have my policy number RIGHT NOW. They can't keep putting it off. The hospital doesn't care - they said they will put as self-pay and I can give them my info when I get it.

My doctor is another story. His billing office requires one of two thigs - insurance information or CASH at the time of the procedure. I bit the bullet and asked today how much - a few bucks shy of $600.00. I have to bring that in ACTUAL CASH on Monday if I don't get this insurance stuff straightened out.

The AT&T benefits center said they put in an emergency request and I should have the info within 24 hours. For some reason, I don't believe them. I just called the 800 number to see if they recognize the SSN. Still nothing.

I guess if I don't get a response tomorrow, I'll start working on getting the cash out. I can either take out like $200 per day from the ATM or just cash a check, I guess. I don't think my bank allows large cash ATM withdrawals. Sigh.

This is adding so much stress to me right now. I mean, I KNOW that we have the cash if we need to, so I should be thankful for that because it would be super-stressful if we couldn't pay for it. But still...

I have to go for pre-op bloodwork tomorrow. I think I'm just going to give them my old BCBS card and by the time that claim bounces back, I should have the current info. I absolutely can't deal with trying to deal with them without insurance information. I have to get the bloodwork tomorrow, it can't be put off.

What I find funny is that they have to make sure I'm not currently pregnant in order to have a procedure that will most likely make me sterile. It's ironic.

I really should take a picture...

2009-01-13T09:58:00.002-05:00

Several nights in a row, I have found Chloe (the kitten) sleeping right outside my bedroom door. Why? Because Zack's in there and she wants to be with him. How cute is that?

Every night for several weeks now, whenever I bring her into bed at night, she goes right to Zack's face and snuggles him. It's the sweetest thing. She doesn't do that with anyone else in the family.

Of course, then she starts attacking his feet while he sleeps and ends up waking him up if I don't stop her. She is so much fun. She makes me smile every day.

Now, I just gotta get working on Dave's snoring, so we can get Zack back into his own room. Another side effect from Cassie being back - he was back in his room and Dave was sleeping in hers haha

Sometimes I forget

2009-01-12T22:07:00.002-05:00

Well, OFTEN I forget...

How innocent and fun it is to be a child. I had the greatest conversation with Zack on the phone yesterday while I was at work.

Last night, I had called home and both he and Dave picked up the phone at the same time. Zack was upstairs in my room watching TV and heading off to sleep and Dave was downstairs. So, Zack and I had our typical "how was your day? What are you doing conversation." and then Dave says to Zack "Why didn't you pick up a few minutes ago when Mommy called?"

Zack was blown away that all THREE of us were on the phone at the same time. At first, he didn't get it. He thought that Dave had left and come up to work to see me and that's how he was on the phone. Dave chuckled and explained that he picked up the phone downstairs, silly boy.

Zack was giggling and thought it was the coolest thing ever. He asked Dave what he was doing and Dave kinda blew him off, so Zack said "no, seriously, Dad, what are you doing?" He really wanted an actual answer. He was laughing his butt off and he kept saying "I've never had a three way conversation on the phone before!" I had tears in my eyes from laughing.

He was so innocent, sweet, and genuinely thrilled at this new experience. We said our goodnights and Zack hung up the phone, while I stayed on to talk to Dave.

I heard Zack come down the stairs and say something to Dave (I couldn't hear him). Dave laughed and sent him back to up to bed.

Dave told me that he came downstairs just to say "Dad, wasn't that FUN??" He was the happiest kid in the world when he went to bed last night.

All because of a phone call with his mom and dad.

OK Bring it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-03T20:55:00.004-05:00

This bitch is ready.

Last night was horrible - worked sucked. I was emotional and angry at everyone and everything. I thought maybe it was because I missed my meds yesterday, but that had nothing to do with it.

I got my period tonight. By my calculations, at LEAST a week early. Seriously? Come ON. I'm so tired of this. I always feel like such a tool when I'm super emotional and I can't put two and two together. But how am I supposed to put two and two together when one of the twos shouldn't have been happening until next weekend?

Bring on this surgery. I was a little scared and now I just don't care. I want it. I'm ready. Now I get to look forward to days of cramps on top of my work stress.

I'm going to start a countdown. 16 more days.

Dunno what to talk about

2008-12-30T23:54:00.003-05:00

But it's been a week, so I should write something.

My surgery is scheduled for January 19th. I scheduled it on a Monday because I'm off on Mondays and Tuesdays. My bosses said they would cover my Wednesday shift so that I could have an extra day to recooperate and I have to work an extra day the week before because female boss will be in Texas for a meeting. I will have off until that Thursday night. That should be plenty of time to recover. I'm actually getting excited about the results that I will most likely get from the surgery. Just a few more weeks and one more lovely visit from my monthly friend before I (hopefully) never see her stupid face again :)

I'm going back and forth about whether to contact an old friend with which I had a falling out earlier this year. This is a former co-worker, who did not leave on good terms. Her departure caused me a lot of shit at work to deal with, but ultimately was great because the job wasn't right for her and she was miserable, thereby making the staff miserable. Funny how when she worked Sundays, I had a shortage of servers, but after she left, I have an abundance of people who can work on Sundays.

Anyway - we parted on very bad terms. Mostly because my boss backed me into a corner, based on what this person had done, and I needed to prove to her that I wasn't leaving, so I let her know that the other manager had been trying to get me to leave the restaurant, but I said no. Well, my friend took that as an afront to her - a stabbing in the back, as it were. I don't see it that way. I had to save my reputation at work. There is nothing like hearing "I can't trust anything you say because *** lied right to my face, why wouldn't you?" Um, because I wouldn't?

Long story short, she has made up with the owner of the restaurant and, apparently, has been coming by the restaurant on Saturday nights. It bothers me, I won't lie. Mostly because I listened to all the insults she spewed about my bosses before she left. But, I understand people get angry, disillusioned, whatever. Now that she's at the restaurant on a semi-regular basis, I feel like perhaps I should reach out and repair the situation. I don't want to run into her there and have it be awkward. This is MY job and I will not be made to be uncomfortable at MY job because of someone else.

If I do reach out, I run the risk of being hurt again. It really sucked when the friendship ended because we used to hang out all the time. I seriously don't want to open up the door to having her be an asshole to me.

So, I have to figure out if I want to do it or not.

Cassie finally got a job, but she hasn't started yet. Not exactly sure when she will start. At least some of my 'up in the air' crap is now down on solid ground, so that definitely helps my stress levels.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve and I'm closing at the restaurant - should be a fun night. I hope all of you have a great New Year's and are safe, safe, safe!!!

Debbie Downer

2008-12-23T11:21:00.003-05:00

Yup, this is going to be a whining post, so if you don't want to see that, then stop reading.

Cassie still has no job. My house is still not my house.

I've elected to have a procedure done in the near future that will possibly eliminate all of my GYN issues. I'm nervous about that, plus it's still not scheduled and because of the holidays, I won't find out when it is scheduled until next week or later. I hate waiting. I hate the unknown.

Let's see - oh yeah, I woke up with an awesome head cold. Two days before Xmas. This rocks. Nothing is wrapped. NOTHING. No stocking stuffers are bought. And I feel like shit.

There is this woman who is my mom's best friend. I loathe her. I can't stand her. I hate the mere mention of her name. I definitely don't want her involved in my life in any way. Unfortunately, I ran into her at my parents house a year or so ago, with Zack, and she proceeds to tell him that she's my 'other mother' - she's gone my whole life saying this.

How can you be my other mother when I HATE YOU???? She's had NO part of my adult life, who the fuck does she think she is saying these things to my kid. I'm pissed because ever since then, he keeps saying he has 3 grandmothers. No, dude, you don't - you have TWO. She has set eyes on him twice in his ENTIRE life - how is that a grandmother?

ANYWAY - I get an email from my mom this morning. "*insert dreaded name here* said that *insert actual daughter's name here* showed her some pictures that you posted on Facebook. How do I see them?" Oh lovely - now she sees pictures of my family without my consent? I like her daughter. I grew up with her. I don't want to de-friend her, but I sure as SHIT don't want this woman knowing anything about my life and seeing pictures of my children. I also sure as shit don't want my mom on Facebook haha

I'm just a raging bitch today. I should do some retail therapy. I got an incredible cash bonus from my bosses and I'm determined to spend it on fun and completely unnecessary stuff. But, I don't want to go out shopping two days before Xmas - that's insane.

I need to go back to bed - I feel like shit. Merry fucking Xmas.

Control Issues

2008-12-15T13:19:00.003-05:00

I haz them.

I am not liking my life right now. Cassie's boyfriend broke up with her, so now she's living here again. I don't like this at all because she's done absolutely nothing about getting a job, going to school, etc. She hasn't been home a week yet, but she could at least make an effort. She's done a lot of talking, but no actions.

Unless you count sleeping all day and then sitting on her laptop on the internet in her room, actions. I feel like I have little or no control over this at this point.

I got an abnormal test result a few days ago. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. Nothing I can do about it. I have no control over the situation.

My days off are now not really my days off because I used to have the house to myself, now I don't. It's a huge difference. I don't care if she's upstairs right now, the fact of the matter is, I have lost my alone time. This was really precious to me. I went a solid 10 years of rarely having time to myself, let alone having the house to myself. I earned the 3 mornings a week that I have the house to myself while the boys are in school. Now, I don't have it. Lost control of that situation, as well.

I am really down. I need something good to happen this week. Zack's birthday is Thursday, so that's definitely something to look forward to. Of course, he's getting older and I can't control that. Hate it ;)

I finally convinced him to get a hair cut. Gosh, he looks so handsome and grown up. Can't believe he's almost 7. Amazing.

11 Years.

2008-12-05T10:29:00.002-05:00

Today is my 11th wedding anniversary. 13 years together, 11 married.

Wow, that's a long time when you say it out loud.

I thought I was ok with the fact that we won't see each other today (Dave left for work before I woke up and I have to close tonight, so I will leave before he gets home and won't get home until after midnight most likely). Now, I'm not so sure. I'm kinda pissed off about it now.

Today's our anniversary and we should at least get to see each other at some point. Maybe I'm being a whiney baby (entirely possible). We have a great day planned tomorrow to celebrate, but it's not the same.

On a happier note, my friends are having their twins today. It's a little early, but I'm sure everything will be fine. Maybe I will get to visit with them before I go into work.

Today is a good day all around, even if I don't get to see my husband of 11 years. 11 years. Wow.

Updates...

2008-11-29T11:35:00.002-05:00

Not much new is going on, but I've been neglecting my blog for a while and I'm in a mood to type.

Thanksgiving was wonderful. Very low-key, exactly like I like it. Cassie & Toby are here for the weekend. Well, Toby is here half the time and at his parents' house half the time. I don't mind because the more he's here, the more Cassie is here, as well :) It's been a really nice weekend with them. I didn't realize how much I've really missed just hanging out with Cassie. For those wondering, she is doing well. Happy. She could be working more, but eh, not my business, right? She's talking about going to college next fall, so we'll see if that pans out.

Work is good. I'm having a hard time balancing how friendly to be with people because I end up getting shit on. Well, not shit on, really, but, well, let me give an example. One of my kitchen guys, Enrique, is a good guy. He's a REALLY hard worker and he's very reliable. He helps me out to a tremendous degree, being that he's pretty much bi-lingual. His English needs some help, but it's good enough. If a kitchen worker can't come in, they will call Enrique and, 99% of the time, he will find a replacement without even involving me or the other managers. He will just come into work and say "so-and-so can't work tonight, so-and-so is going to work in his place." It's great.

In return for that, I try my very best to give him the schedule that he wants and when he asks for a raise, I push for it (he's gotten 2 in the last year, both with my help). So, this lends itself to a work-friendship, if you'd call it that. I ask him questions about Spanish words, he asks me about English words. We both practce with each other. I ask him to check on workers and make sure they are happy - asking if they have concerns that I can help with, etc.

So, when he gets pissed off, it affects me a lot. Let's use last Friday for an example. Fridays have not been very busy lately. So, we've had 2 guys in the dish pit. On busy nights, we need 3 for sure. Well, we had one REALLY busy Friday hit us with only two in the dish. Yeah, that sucked, but we didn't know it would happen.

I've been asking my boss every few weeks or so if I can start scheduling a 3rd because it's taking them all forever to get out of there on Friday nights (my closing shift, of course) and we're only going to start getting busier soon. He keeps saying no, not yet.

Well, last Friday, Enrique pulls me aside and says "You need to schedule a 3rd person in dish. If you don't, we are not going to stay and help out when we are done, it's too much work." I was FLOORED. And completely pissed off. Seriously, he's going to threaten me when I've gotten him the schedule he wants, fought to get him raises, etc? Really?

I did not take kindly to that. I threw on a t-shirt and start doing dishes myself. He was shocked. He came over to me and said "I was only joking about not helping, we will help. But you need another person on the schedule." I tried to explain to him about 5 times that I AGREED with him, but it was out of my hands. He wasn't getting it and I couldn't explain it. I ended up getting really frustrated, raising my voice, and throwing a plate in the dish pit (not really hard or anything, but it got my point across).

Needless to say, the rest of the night was tense. I did a) apologize and b) talk to my boss about scheduling a 3rd person now, rather than later. Turns out that with the language barrier that I forget is there, he was only trying to make a point - he wasn't meaning to have it come across as threatening.

So, my dilema is this - I think I need to stop being so friendly with my staff. I hate that I have to do that, but I feel like if I had been more "boss-like" with Enrique before, that he wouldn't have spoken to me like that. He certainly wouldn't have threatened John or Dana with not staying.

I want my employees to know that I'm on their side, but I'm still their boss. It's such a fine line. It comes from serving before - I know their frustrations, I know what it's like to feel like you have no voice. I don't want my staff to feel that way, but on the other hand, they need to understand that they won't always get what they want and they need to listen to me.

Whew, that was a book!!!

Our anniversary is on Friday. 11 years married, 13 together. Wow. I have to work that night, but we will go out to celebrate the next night. Going to our favorite French restaurant - we go there every year. I'm looking forward to it!!

Ok, off to take the boys to swimming lessons!!

The iPhone

2008-11-25T22:09:00.000-05:00

Greatest.

Invention.

EVAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This, That, and the Other

2008-11-18T12:13:00.002-05:00

Been a couple weeks. Life's been busy, as per usual.

Work is kicking my ass right now. The new schedule IS easier, but we've got this new inventory software that's required to be used this month. Things keep happening that bring me back into the restaurant on my days off. The typical stuff. We are starting to get busier, thank goodness, so it's only going to get worse - but that's in a good way.

We have added to our family. As an early anniversary present, Dave let me pick out a kitten from the animal shelter. Well, we couldn't all decide on one kitten, so we were going to get two. Then I came across an older cat and fell totally in love with her.

So, we ended up with one tiny kitten (Chloe) and one grown up cat (Gabby). Now we have a house of 4 girl cats :) It's a lot of fun around here right now. Chloe is absolutely nuts and adorable. She's asleep in my lap while I'm typing this. I feel so great about rescuing Gabby. People don't want older cats usually and she is just such a sweetheart. She's obviously very happy to be in a home now.

The other cats are having a hard time adjusting, but they will, in time.

I'm signing up for Spanish classes in the new year. I'm frustrated at not being able to communicate as well as I want to at work with my Spanish-speaking staff. Plus, I need to know when this one guy is talking about my ass, so I can tell him to shut up in his native tongue hahahaha

Cassie's coming home for Thanksgiving. She's bringing her kitten with her- this is going to be interesting!!!!

I have no words...

2008-11-04T23:53:00.001-05:00

Tonight was amazing.

Tears of joy.

I am speechless.

Halloween Coldplay

2008-11-03T12:58:00.012-05:00

Now that I finally have some down time, I can write about the concert. Do I need to say it was amazing? Do I need to say it was awesome? Do I need to say I have nothing to look forward to in life anymore now that it's over? Ok, that was a little overdramatic... I was a little worried that the show would be the same as the last one. It wouldn't have mattered TOO much, because they are so awesome, but I was thinking it would be nice if they switched it up a bit. They sure did. The first three songs were the same as last time, in the same order, but that was cool. Here are some shots from Clocks - this first one is my wallpaper on my laptop now, I think it's just awesome:

The globes that I was trying to get a good shot of last time and didn't. They were made to look like pumpkins:

At one point, they had them looking like Jack Skelington - blurry, but you can get the point - SO cool:

Pic of Chris on the big screen:

There were several differences in this show. First off, they played Speed of Sound, which they didn't play last time. They also played Talk and the entire song of The Hardest Part. It was really cool to hear 4 songs off of the X&Y album instead of 2. Here is a video of Fix You (remembering the sound is not great because of how loud it is):

There was no Fox News projection this time - just a techno song with samples from Viva la Vida thrown in. It was pretty cool. Speaking of Viva la Vida - it was extra amazing this time. I love that they started it differently. I got the whole song on video, not just the first half :)

They did not play the beginning of Yes for some reason, but rather the second half. They did, however, play the one song off the new album that they didn't play last time - Cemeteries of London. Awesome. Every song from Viva la Vida was played. They did TWO encores this time, Politik and Death and All His Friends. The butterflies were not butterflies - they were bats and pumpkins:

They were, of course, dayglow:

Now, the most important part. We had floor seats - as you can see from the videos, not GREAT seats, but pretty decent. They were the best seats in the house, if you ask Nadine or me. Just like last concert, they ran into the back of the venue to play The Scientist. Well, on their way to the back, they walked RIGHT NEXT TO US. I knew this would happen the second we got to our seats and I was so excited the entire time. I got to high-five Jonny, the guitarist, and I ended up patting Chris on the back. Yup, I touched Chris Martin. Sigh. If only I could have gotten my hands on Guy, it would be have been perfect. I got video, but the security guard was being a jackass and wouldn't let me even put my elbows in the aisle. So, you can't see anyone's faces, but you can see exactly how close we were. Jonny and Will (the drummer) ran by first, then Chris and Guy walked past (Chris is in the white shirt). Just incredible:

Oh, and let's not forget that Chris is political. Loved this little speech:

Funny thing was - with the second encore...I thought "what didn't they play? What are they going to play now?" Duh. Yellow. Such a great way to end the show. Perfection. Can't wait for the next tour. I honestly want to go see this show again in another city...maybe for my anniversary or Xmas present. Hmm...

The questions remains....

2008-10-30T16:45:00.003-04:00

How did the inital meeting go between Nadine and me?

Was it awkward?

Are we having fun together?

You tell me:

I am like a little kid!!!!!

2008-10-26T23:57:00.003-04:00

I'm downright giddy!!!!

I have a wonderful friend that I met online years ago when we were both pregnant. Her son is a week younger than Zack. We've gotten to be extremely close and I consider her to be one of my best friends. I have told her things that I wouldn't dare tell my other friends and she's always been there for me. She means the world to me.

She's had struggles with money over the years, but she's always worked her ass off and tried her best. I love that about her. She's determined, smart, and never gives up. I think she's a lot stronger person than I am.

So anyways, let me quit gushing and get to the point. Coldplay. It all comes back to Coldplay.

She loves them. I love them. She lives in Idaho. Who the fuck lives in Idaho, right? Well, she does. Coldplay never goes there. Because who the fuck lives in Idaho, right?

She has remotely been to all three shows with me. The first two, I called her several times during the concert to let her listen in. The most recent one, I recorded In My Place (her favorite song) on my camera and showed her the video.

After the last concert, we made a pact that she would go and see Coldplay with me the next time they came around.

We had no idea they would come back on Halloween :) So, Nadine decides that she's going to come out, no matter what. And as we all know, life happens. She's planning on when she can get the cash together to buy her plane ticket and I go ahead and buy the concert tickets.

Several weeks go by and things just aren't coming together for her plane ticket. I'm thinking to myself that if we don't get that ticket bought, something else is going to go wrong and she's never going to make it out. Around that time, David got a bonus at work - convenient, no?

I offer to buy Nadine the ticket out here. She says she will pay me back. I know she will, but she really doesn't have to. I want to do this. It benefits me just as much as her ;)

So she lets me buy the ticket.

This was 6 weeks ago.

We have been counting down the weeks, and now the days.

SHE WILL BE HERE ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have 2 full days of jam-packed activities and she flies back on Saturday morning.

Check this out, it's going to be awesome:

I'm working open to close on Wednesday and then I will head to the airport to pick her up. Dave and I both took off on Thursday, so we can all hang out. I'm not sure what we will do during the day, perhaps a movie? Anyways...come 5pm...

Nadine and I will be dining at The Pot, complete with a lot of wine. Dave's already said he will drop us off and pick us back up (we live all of one mile away from the restaurant). Nadine's wanted to eat at The Melting Pot forever, but has never gotten a chance. I get to eat for free, so HELLS YEAH we're going!!!!! Great bonding time :)

Friday morning, she's coming to work with me because I have to open, so I can have off in the evening. It's going to be so much friggin' fun. She'll help me with prep, we'll dance around the kitchen, everyone will think we're insane and I don't care.

Come 5 or 6pm, I should be able to leave work. We'll do one of two things: Go back to the house and chill with the kids for a bit, or head right down to DC for the concert. If we get down there before 7:30ish, we'll have dinner. If not, we'll just hit the show.

Neither one of us cares about the opening act. The show starts at 7:30, so as long as we're in the venue by 8:30, we'll be golden.

COLDPLAY LIVE WITH NADINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I might pee my pants.

Oh and get this - after? We have to go back to the restaurant and do inventory because it's the last day of the month. I'm wondering how accurate it will be when I start drinking again once we are there hahahaha.

Only time will tell.

Wow, 72 hours and she'll be here. This is going to be SO cool....

Found another..

2008-10-25T13:38:00.001-04:00

see below :)

Singin'

2008-10-24T14:52:00.003-04:00

Dave and I were giggling the other day about how Chris Martin likes to say the word "singin'" in his songs. As in an introduction to a chorus. Let's take Clocks for example.

He says:

"Singin - you are...you are..."

You know, the chorus part? Don't get what I'm saying? How about Trouble?

"Singin' - I never meant to cause you trouble, I never meant to do you wrong"

So, we're in the car the other day and Everything's Not Lost comes on. We're talking, then Dave starts cracking up.

I realized that I just sang along and sang:

"Singin' oh oh oh yeah, come on yeah" etc etc. But yeah, he said singin' again. I died laughing.

Well, today, I'm driving around and I almost crashed into a car in the parking lot, because I'm listening to In My Place (quite possibly my favorite Coldplay song evah) and I sing along to:

"Singin' please, please come on and sing to me"

BAH HAHAHAHAHAHA

That's four.

**edited on Saturday the 25th**

Cemeteries of London on the new album.

"singin la la la la la la hey" This is awesome.

My weird self

2008-10-24T14:50:00.002-04:00

I'm driving around this morning, running errands and such, and I wondered something.

Is there a person that drives around and looks for traffic lights that have a light out? I mean, we all have to change light bulbs around the house and all and we KNOW that traffic light lights go out from time to time. So, I'm just wondering - is it someone's JOB to go around and find lights that are out?

If not, who reports it and how? I don't think there's a "Traffic light replacement" company listed in the yellow pages. I really, REALLY want to know the process for this. Oh, and I don't mean that the whole intersection or light is out, I mean a light bulb in it - so the red, yellow, or green is not showing up.

Man, I'm a freak.

Now I Feel Like it's "Safe"

2008-10-23T11:05:00.004-04:00

Or rather that I'm not jinxing it anymore.

This is a new parenting forum that my friends created. I'm admin there and we're hoping to turn it into the community that the other place we left could never be.

So please, come and join us. You don't have to have been a member of the other place, we don't care if you are or if you aren't. You can belong to as many online communities as you like - we won't ban you for it :)

www.themamasonline.com

I can't make the link clickable - I think blogger's having some issues right now.

Now Back to our Regularly Scheduled Program

2008-10-23T09:50:00.003-04:00

I honestly don't have anything stellar or super-exciting to talk about, but I feel like I've neglected my blog. I'm getting used to my new work schedule and, honestly, I'm feeling kind of guilty about it. I mean, I get three nights off in a row (two of those are full days off) every week. I don't have to work on Saturdays. I got a really good raise (which showed up in my check today). I have to remind myself that, honestly, I'm really worth it. I work hard and now that I have an easier schedule, I'm going in a lot more during my time off to get little things done and I know they appreciate that.

Speaking of work. Well, let's talk about this insane situation that happened on Sunday, because I'm still in shock about it and grossed out. There's this one girl taht works there (I will call her a girl because she's 22 and I'm not), who is kind of the restaurant 'pet'. She has it in good with the owners, babysits for them, etc. She has a lost of responsibility as a host, but she only works one day a week. It's kind of annoying because she has a huge ego at work and she really shouldn't. I still have to monitor her when she's running the books to make sure she doesn't mess up and she honestly shouldn't, with as long as she's been doing it.

ANYWAY - last Sunday, she and a server did this outreach thing where they were dipping strawberries in chocolate and giving them out to people at this event-thing (yeah, I know what I'm talking about lol). She and said server showed up around 8pm at the restaurant totally tanked. Now, there are always wine vendors at these things and we are allowed to drink, to a degree, at these events. Not to get completely wasted.

I'll spare all the details of how I spoke to the owner, who then talked to this girl, who then spoke to me again in shock about how drunk she was. Duh, I told you that. So, a little while passes and my closing server coming into the office, very serious, and says "you need to go into the men's room right now". I'm thinking, awesome, there's shit all over the floor (literally). "Why, do I have to go in there?"

Let me quote this one exactly. He says:

"Because your host is fucking some guy on the counter in the men's room."

Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? I go into the men's room and said girl and guy (who, by the way, she picked up at the outreach and had never met before - awesome) are standing up, making out, by the counter. Without hesitation, I said "You need to get out of my restaurant and you need to get out of here NOW."

She giggled and was all "oh, honey, we should leave" - yeah, "HONEY" get the fuck out. We were STILL OPEN AND HAD GUESTS IN THE RESTAURANT!!!!!!!!!!! She (and we, honestly) is lucky that it was a server that walked in on them and not a guest. Ugh, the idea of that happening makes me have a panic attack.

How this girl still has a job, I have no idea. I wanted to fire her, but the owners just suspended her a for a week. If I were her, I wouldn't even show my face at work again - I'd be WAY too embarrassed. Seriously - I couldn't go back. I hope she doesn't, honestly.

I'm going to be sure to let her know that thanks to her antics, I lost one of my days off this week and will be working 4 nights in a row. Since we don't have a host that can run the books on a Saturday (the other one took the weekend off), I need to go in and do that. I honestly, seriously, don't mind - I even volunteered to do it AND I'm looking forward to it, but she doesn't need to know that. She needs to see that her behavior affects more than just her and her stupid world.

People shock me on a daily basis with their stupidity.

A Quandry...

2008-10-14T13:45:00.002-04:00

I had never thought about this before, but one of my servers several weeks ago stated this and I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

Why is that gay men and women go together like chocolate and peanut butter, but you never see lesbians hanging out with straight men? Stop and think about it. Do you know any lesbians who have close male friends that aren't gay?

I lunch with my new friend, Will, this afternoon and I was reminded of that, being that Will is gay.

Weird.

Pointless to think about, but hey, I'm off today, so I don't have to use my brain for important things.

Here I Sit...

2008-10-13T19:47:00.003-04:00

I'm back to being alone.

Dave left on Saturday to visit his mom for a week. Because of babysitter issues and switching schedules, I'm actually off 4 days this week. Today, tomorrow, Thursday, and Saturday. I don't know what to do with all this extra time!!! I am chaperoning a field trip on Thursday, so that should be fun.

I'm going to make some lunch dates and some tv dates with some girlfriends (and a gay male friend, but he counts as a girlfriend, right?). I've been going into work a lot to deal with computer upgrades and inventory upgrades, but I'm trying not to do that when the kids are home, too much. I'll head back in tomorrow during the day to help out some more. Female boss is encouraging me to stay away on my days off and relax, but she doesn't undertand that I really don't mind coming in during the day - I can wear jeans, I can leave whenever I want. Plus, it's not like these changes happen often - this is the first time in 4 years and they are huge changes, so I have to know what's going on.

I miss David - probably too much. I feel so co-dependant and I HATE that. It was the worst yesterday, but I'm feeling better about it today. I have something planned each day to keep me busy until he gets back, whether it's work or social, so that helps. Found out today that Cassie's coming home on Friday for the weekend, so I'm pretty excited about that.

I'm going to see Karen tomorrow and I'll talk to her about my co-dependant, freak out nature. Hopefully she will make me feel better. She usually does.

Ex-manager was arrested yesterday. I'm glad to hear it, only because she needs to pay for what she did and realize she can't just kiss up to female boss and have everything be ok. She's delusional and hopefully, this will knock her back down to earth.

Not much else to say...just wanted to update.

Finally, some good change

2008-10-09T12:31:00.003-04:00

We had the sit down today at work. The new schedule sit down. In the past, the new schedule sit down has not always boded well for fair Catherine. I've had a hard schedule this past year or so, but hey, them's the breaks right?

First things first, I got a raise. With the promise of another at the end of the year if things are going well. Great - that shows up on the next paycheck.

I now have an AMAZING schedule. Female boss noted that I have been putting out a lot of extra effort and time, hence the raise, but also that's a contributing factor to my new schedule. For the first time in almost 2 years, I will have two days off in a row every week. Mondays and Tuesdays. I'll also be off on Saturdays. Instead of opening on Fridays, I will be closing, which is a LOT easier. I have another opening shift during the week. This means instead of being GONE 4 nights out of the week, I'm HOME 4 nights out of the week. I have many of my days free, which also bodes well for the restaurant because I don't mind coming in during the day to do extra work - I can wear jeans, I can stay as long as I want (or as little as I want). It will work well for everyone.

I'm thrilled. The only down side is that I have to miss a baby shower that I've been planning for a friend. It sucks, but there's just no way around it at this point. Maybe something will change by the end of the month, but I don't know. I feel really bad about that.

Tomorrow is my last open to volume Friday shift. Saturday is my last Saturday close. Boy oh boy - this is awesome. We're definitely gonna go out tonight and celebrate!!

Things That Should Be Illegal

2008-10-06T08:22:00.003-04:00

Or at least punishable by a flogging:

1. Phone calls before 8am that aren't "oh my god, there's blood everywhere" or "the house is on fire" in nature.

2. The way the toilet is linked to the shower. Why can't they make it so you flush and it doesn't affect the water temperature? You'd think in this day and age, they could.

3. Sizes differences in clothing. A 10 should be a 10, no matter the designer. I think it's seriously f'd up that I'm a 14 in some brands and a friggin' 18 in others. That's really disheartening. On the other hand, it's cool when I fit in a size way smaller than I thought, so maybe I take this one back.

4. Pets wearing clothes. End of story.

5. Morons. Seriously. I don't mean people who aren't book smart, or what have you. I mean morons. They invade my life daily.

6. Campaigning more than 1 year before the election. Has this, or has this not, been THE longest election ever?? Can you believe there were debates and such last year? I want this over with, now!!!

7. People that everyone and their mother know are gay, who come out with this huge proclimation, like it's a shock or a surprise. Let's talk Clay Aiken, Ellen DeGeneres (whom I love, don't get me wrong), Lance Bass, etc. Like my friend from high school, Robbie - everyone knew you were gay - you're not shocking or surprising anyone. As the Kids in the Hall put it "you're gay. Homosexual. Your wife knows it, I know, DOGS know it, the only person that doesn't seem to know it is you."

I'm sure I'll come up with some more to add to this list soon.

For CA Liz :)

2008-10-05T13:28:00.005-04:00

I have my final picture of the tattoo. I wanted to wait until it was totally healed and the infection commpletely gone.

It's gorgeous. I love it. It was all worth it:

Yes, Liz, that's a 49ers blanket - WOOT!!!!

The Times, They Are A'Changin'

2008-10-04T10:24:00.002-04:00

Something weird's been going on at work these last few days.

Started with a vague phone call on Wed morning from female boss. "Do you know any servers who ate at Towson this week? Anyone talk about it?" Nope, I know nothing. I figure someone went up there and acted like an idiot and the manager called her.

Wed night, she's there all night. She's never there all night when another manager is working. She's been crying, it's quite obvious.

She asks me weird questions. When was Candace's last day? What were the manager's schedules before that? After that?

I flat out asked if I did something wrong and what was going on? "No, you didn't do anything, I just needed the info, no worries."

Yeah, sure, no worries.

I get a call on Thursday telling me there's a meeting for the new accounting software on Friday afternoon at 3pm and that other manager will be coming in early for it. Um, ok, why even tell me that? I open on Fridays, I'll be there at 3pm, but that's fine, whatever.

Friday and both bosses (male and female) are there all day. Secret whispering and meetings. I asked male boss to tell me WTF is going on - something is up, I know something is up, and would they please tell me? It's nothing, he says, something with the other business they are selling fell through and female boss is really upset. I walk up front at one point and there's a guy in a suit there. Ok, I figure it's about their other business they are selling.

3:00 hits, other manager comes in. Male boss hands me the phone and says "the phones are ringing way too much, why don't you answer them, we'll go over the stuff with her, and then we'll go over the stuff with you after while she answers the phones." Ok, I think, fine by me.

They go off into their meeting - other manager's 18 month old is there, messing around and then suddenly, he's in her arms and she's storming into the office, grabbing her stuff and leaving. Tears in her eyes. Something is going on.

Male boss comes into the office "give me the phone and go back in the 30's". Oh shit. I go back there. There is female boss, crying. There is scary guy in suit.

"Cathy, this is Tim, my lawyer."

"Ok, what is going on?" I'm seriously thinking at this point that I'm getting fired. They are just getting rid of everyone and starting fresh. Female boss says:

"You know I've been upset this week. First thing I want to say to you is thank you for your integtrity, honesty, and worth ethic. It is obvious that you care about this place. I want you to know that every single one of your shifts is clean and your numbers match up."

Um...ok? You're welcome? WTF?

Then she gets to the nitty gritty. Apparently, other manager has stolen tens of thousands of dollars in gift cards over the last year. So that's what she meant by my shifts being clean - no errors on those nights, it was obviously her.

Wow.

Just wow.

She's fired, obviously. They are pressing charges, obviously. Who the fuck does something like that? If you only knew how much these people did for her - and this is how she repays them? It's disgusting and I'm glad she's gone.

I'm the only manager left.

The only hellish thing I can think of is the week that female boss is out of town, so it's just male boss and I and he has no sitter. Can we say closing 5 nights in a row? Ugh. I'm sure we'll talk about it today when I go in.

Oh, and I'm totally going to get another raise.

A Nothing Post

2008-09-28T20:56:00.003-04:00

I was sitting here trying to figure out what to talk about today, since my last entry was such a downer. I absolutely pink puffy heart love the keyboard on my new laptop, so I really want to break this thing in with a nice, long blog entry.

But what about?

I got nothin'. Well, actually, I have a lot of little things, but nothing big, so I figure, hey, I'll just talk about whatever. I am feeling better since last week. I still can't really talk about it without busting out into tears, but that's ok - I don't need to talk about it right now. When I do, I will. I can say that my husband is one of the most caring, understanding people I've ever known and I'm really thankful to have him.

Cassie was home for a visit this weekend. It was great to have her here, even though I didn't get to see much of her, with my work schedule. She looks great - she hasn't found a job yet and is frustrated that one didn't just fall into her lap like her little 18-year-old mind thought it would. I've refrained from "I told you so." What was even nicer about her visit was that it was JUST HER. I love her boyfriend, I really do - I think he's a good kid and he treats her very well. That being said, we've had over a year of barely having her here without him. That gets old pretty fast. It was wonderful to just hang out in the living room with her and most of her undivided attention. Let's not fool ourselves - she texts him constantly when they aren't together, but that's ok, we deal with that. She left this afternoon. They said they may be back some time in October. Good - I miss her when she's not here.

The boys are doing well with swimming lessons. Zack's a fish - he's really taken to it. Alex is struggling a bit, but he's trying really hard. Plus, he enjoys it, so that's really important.

Work is both wonderful and beyond frustrating right now. Business is very slow during the week and the servers are getting really angry and mouthy because they aren't making the money they are used to. I can't help that - I can't do a thing about it, but I get the brunt of the attitude because I write the schedules and give out the shifts. I now have several people mad at me because I had to cut some people's days - I just don't have the shifts anymore. So, I get a lot of backtalk and it's wearing on me. My boss gave a fantastic speech at pre-shift on Friday night about how the managers are the bosses, not the servers. We KNOW what we're doing, we're GOOD at our job, and we deserve more respect than what we're being given. Attitudes this weekeend were much better ;)

I got a great compliment from my boss yesterday. We had a fantastic night - nice and busy, great sales, happy guests. It was practically a perfect night. I love those nights.

My couch potato self is so happy with all the new shows this week. As I'm typing this, I'm watching Desperate Housewives and waiting for Dave to get back from his walk so we can get down to the REAL nitty gritty - Dexter. Oh, I can't wait!!!!

I have a little over a month until the Coldplay concert. I'm not sure if I mentioned before or not, but what is making my 4th Coldplay concert the best one of them all? My good friend, Nadine, is flying in from Idaho to go with me. Our sons were born a week apart and we 'met' online as a part of a birth board where moms of kids born in December of 2001 chatted. Nadine and I have a long history and we've never met face-to-face. The time has come. I can't wait. We are going to have so much fun!! My only stress involved in this is that I'm worried about getting down to DC before Coldplay takes the stage - I have to work. It's Halloween and there is no way that my boss is going to cover the evening part of my shift because he'll be taking his kids out. Halloween is ALWAYS completely dead at the restaurant, but this year it's a Friday and anything can happen. For me, it's not such a huge deal if I get down there and miss the opening song or two, but Nadine's never seen them live. They are, as we know, amazing. I don't want her to miss a minute. Ah well, we will figure something out.

The most important thing is that she will be here for 3 days and it's going to be awesome!!!!

Apparently, my brother moved to Texas. Why is my family so weird? We never keep each other informed of what's going on, really. My parents live two doors down from me and I never see them. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's great that they don't bug the crap out of us or anything, but it's just weird how little contact we all have on a daily basis. It's ok, I love my family, I really do - they are just so different from everyone else's. Bryan got stationed in Texas for 18 months, I think. His wife is staying in Maryland, poor thing. I hope he can get back to Maryland for Xmas. We shall see.

Enough rambling - this keyboard rocks. I probably typed this in 10 minutes :) Here's to a great week, one could hope. Gotta keep a positive outlook, right?

Life is Unfair

2008-09-23T22:57:00.002-04:00

18 months ago, I wasn't blogging so I didn't mention anything about this. I did on a journal on that site I don't go to anywhere. It's possible that it's still public - perhaps I will find it later and make a copy.

Probably won't though. What's the point? It's all over anyways.

18 months ago, I made a huge decision. To try to find my birth mother. I paid an agency with an excellent track record a large sum of money to do the searching for me. I got useless updates every 3 months or so that basically said the same thing - they had no information yet but be patient, it sometimes takes upwards of a year.

Today, I got the official "we are closing your file because we can't find anything for you" letter. I burst into tears and went running into the bathroom. I think Dave thought someone died.

Someone might as well have. I will never, ever know now. Never. All my life, there has always been at least the fleeting thought that maybe one day I would know. Now, I'll never know.

This is a pain and sadness unlike any that I have ever known in my entire life. And I've been through some pretty painful shit. I think I'd rather go through all of that again.

David said we could keep trying - do something else - keep looking for her.

No, I can't keep trying. I can't go through this pain again, I don't think I'm strong enough. If I had gotten one, little, tiny piece of information from them, I might feel differently. But I got jack shit. What else could I have spent that money on, I wonder? Something that wouldn't have torn my heart out and stomped on it, I'm pretty sure.

I can't imagine that the pain I would feel a second time would be any nicer than what I'm feeling right now and, most probably, it would be worse. Why on earth should I subject myself to that? No thanks.

I'm avoiding going to bed because I really don't want to wake up tomorrow and feel this anymore. Fuck. I hate this.

Guilt

2008-09-23T13:56:00.002-04:00

Guilt is an amazing thing. It can make people doubt themselves in an instant.

I've been lucky. I wasn't raised with a lot of guilt about things. There wasn't the guilt that comes with a lot of religions. There wasn't parental-induced guilt. Again, I'm really lucky.

Then why, as an adult, do I harbor so much of it?? I've had what I call emotional guilt quite a bit - but that's not what I'm dealing with right now.

I'm dealing with a strange phenomenon, to me at least. I'm feeling guilty for the life that I have. Why is that? Do I not deserve to be happy and have things that I want? Of course I do. Yet, the guilt is there.

Why today? Because my lovely laptop died, yet again. Hard drive = kaplooey. Dust. It is now David's new Frankenstein project. Who knows what he can do with it - it won't even boot up to an operating system.

So this morning, we went to Best Buy. I am now the proud owner of this little baby:

http://www.sonystyle.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10551&storeId=10151&langId=-1&productId=8198552921665406955

This thing is absolutely amazing. It's way more computer than I need, but David suggested it and I can only do what he says haha.

But, I feel guilty.

I don't NEED this. It's a huge chunk of money for something that I can play with. That's where the guilt comes in. I have so many friends who can't afford to get something like this and if they can, they can't just walk into a store and pay cash for it. I'm very lucky - I know this.

I shouldn't feel guilty. We have worked very hard for everything we have. Sure, some of it is just good luck that David's profession pays so well, but still, it's not like we just sit on our asses and don't do anything.

Kinda like I'm doing right now while the cleaning woman I just hired cleans my nasty house. Sigh. Let the 2nd level of guilt begin!

Patriot Day

2008-09-14T14:02:00.002-04:00

Are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to try not to swear as much as I'd like to right now.

FYI, my internet was out, so that's why I'm just getting to this. Stupid Comcast.

Zack came home from school last Thursday (Sept. 11) and wished me a "Happy Patriot Day." Huh? Patriot Day? We are seriously turning 9/11 into a HOLIDAY?!?!?!

I let it go until today when Alex said "did you know that Sept 11 is now Patriot Day?" Ugh.

September 11 was a horrible nightmare. Yes, every firefighter and police officer who died that day was a hero and a patriot, but by making this day about anything other than the massive loss of life and tragedy that it was, we are trivializing what happened.

Sit back for a moment and think about what Memorial Day really means to you. Nothing. Perhaps you MIGHT stop for a minute and think about our military families, but most like not - you're just pretty happy to have a day off from work. It's SUPPOSED to be a day to honor fallen military men and women. There's usually a nice ceremony in DC, but not much else is usually done.

Do we seriously want Sept 11th to turn into that? I'm disgusted and appalled. I'm also reminded of a great story I heard last week. There's this stupid woman who posts on the site that I don't go to anymore, who was all excited about their 9/11 memorial at her church because she got to do the stage design. Really? Wow, this day is not about YOU, you stupid, self-centered loser. 9/11 is not a day for set dressing and presentations. It's about loss. It's about horror. Most of all, it's about respect. I shouldn't be surprised that this person lives in California - as far removed from that day's events as you can possibly get. Living so close to the Pentagon, the fear here was palpable. I think that nothing can be done more to honor the dead that day than the ceremonies that occur at Ground Zero and the Pentagon. Those are respectful. Those don't involve set dressings and self centered people who think only of themselves.

Back to my original thoughts...should we have a Patriot Day? Sure, why not - but NOT on September 11th. Please, not on September 11th.

With the passage of time...

2008-09-11T00:45:00.003-04:00

people forget and I think it sucks.

I haven't heard anything mentioned yet about today. It's been 7 years. In a way, it's hard to believe it's been that long and in another way, it seems like we've always lived in a "Post-9/11" world. I feel like people are forgetting. Yes, it's mentioned, but usually in the course of terrorist or political discussions. For some people, it's used for political gain (Yes, Guiliani, I'm talking to you).

My youngest son knows nothing of life before 9/11/01. He wasn't born until Dec that year. My older son doesn't remember anything prior to 9/11 or about that day and Cassie doesn't really care that much about it because she was too young to be seriously affected by it when it happened.

7 years.

There's not much to say, just profound sadness. Seeing Ground Zero last December was so moving. Made it all the more real to me.

We all remember where we were. I wrote about it in this blog in Sept 2004. Amazing how the details fade with time. I'd forgotten some of the specifics of what I'd done that morning.

7 years.

I'm sure the pain is still as fresh as it was then to the families of the victims. I can't wrap my head around that kind of pain. I wish them all the best. I hope they have found some happiness in their lives.

My heart hurts right now and my thoughts are a jumbled mess. Maybe I'll write more after I've gotten some sleep (it's 12:53am, so yes, it's technically the 11th).

Who knew

2008-09-09T14:50:00.003-04:00

A french press could explode?

Hm, that's interesting.

My kitchen smells AMAZING right now. Poor Dave really would have liked some coffee though, poor guy.

I am old.

2008-09-07T15:41:00.002-04:00

Today, I experienced my first hangover. No, I'm not lying.

In the past, no matter how drunk I got, I always felt pretty much fine the next day. Maybe a little tired, but mostly just fine. I'm a rockstar.

Today, not so much.

I have vague recollection of last night. Shift ended, a few servers asked if they could have a drink. I was doing my paperwork in the office. My boss was still there, hanging out with everyone at the bar.

I finished my paperwork and decided to have a drink while I waited for dish pit to finish up. One drink turned into, I want to say 4 or 5. These are not little drinks we're talking about either. So, yeah, I was wasted pretty quickly. I can tell you who was there, but I can't tell you what we talked about.

I can tell you that one of my servers drove me home, and then had to come back to get her keys, but by that point, I was barfing my brains out in my bathroom and I'm assuming that Dave got her the keys. Yay for drunk barfing.

What's not so great? Waking up and barfing some more. I made the grand mistake of taking some Tylenol around 6am for the pounding headache I had.

Yeah, I threw that shit up at about 8am. And there is nothing better than waking your kid up by barfing. "mommy, are you ok?" "yeah, dude, I just don't feel well". Understatement of the year, that one.

I managed to climb out of bed around 10:30 maybe? I watched the season finale of Dexter with Dave, ate about a quarter of a piece of toast over that hour, and went back to bed.

Woke up around 2:30 at least feeling like I don't want to hurl anymore. Finally able to take some more pain medication and I seem to be keeping it down, but holy hell, I still feel like shit.

At least I'm off work today - small favors, small favors.

So I'm thinking this getting wasted thing is not for me anymore. Oy!

The Palin Fiasco

2008-09-03T11:05:00.002-04:00

I love politics. I hate politics. I don't blog a lot about them - I prefer back and forth conversation when discussing that topic.

But, I seriously want to talk about The Robot. The Robot = Sarah Palin. Tell me she doesn't look like one..she totally does.

I have many, MANY issues with this woman and McCain picking her. Not like I'd vote for him anyway, but I feel like being a bitch and nothing's ever stopped me before.

1) She has no experience. How can McCain bitch and moan about Obama's lack of experience and then put someone with even less a heartbeat away from the presidency? Dude, you are NOT young. You are NOT that healthy. You need to SERIOUSLY CONSIDER the fact that you could die while in office. Such an irresponsible choice.

2) She knew her daughter was pregnant when she accepted the nomination. What the fuck were you thinking, lady?!?!? Your daughter needs you now more than EVER in her entire life and you're gonna go campaign to be VP? Let's say you get elected - your daughter will give birth a month before you're sworn in. How much time do you think you will have to be supportive while you're helping to run the country. On that note...

3) You have an infant with Downs Syndrome. Dude, that kid needs a LOT of attention and help. Yet, there you are, Ms. Thing, running around campaigning. I've seen pictures of you holding your son. You look like you're holding a sack of potatoes. A sack that you don't really care if you drop or not because he's in your way while you're trying to do your important work stuff.

4) Let's go back to your daughter. You knew she was pregnant before you accepted the nomination and by accepting said nomination, you VOLUNTARILY EXPOSED YOUR CHILD TO NATIONWIDE SCRUTINY. Who does that?!?!!? Who throws their child to the lions like that? You should have respectfully DECLINED the nomination - but I guess self-serving, 'ambitious' people don't do that. I guess you think it's ok because you're going to force her to marry the father. I'm sure a divorce won't be eminent - for at least a year. Idiot.

Lady, you need to think about someone other than yourself. Of course, now I'm going to thank you cuz I'm pretty sure you just clinched that my guy is going to win this.

Enjoy the fall out from your ethics investigation, by the way. That should be fun.

Dazed and Confused

2008-08-31T17:08:00.002-04:00

I finally have a day off after working a hellish week to make up for being off for the funeral. I'm trying to relax today, but it's not working. I did get a lot of stuff done that we needed done desperately.

Cleaned out my van (even vacuumed).
Laundry.
Got Zack new clothes at Target (Alex had a friend over to visit, so I'll take him next week).

Now, I'm sitting here and I'm just wiped out.

It's amazing how something can seem like such a little thing to one person, but be a huge deal to another. Neither person is necessarily 100% right in their view, but they each feel like they are.

I've got some rough road ahead and some big decisions to make. I don't want to. I'd rather just stick my head in the sand and pretend that it's all ok. But, it's not and I'm not happy right now. Of course, the full decision is not entirely mine to make and I am at the mercy, essentially, of someone else. I do not like being in that position. I'm too independent for that - but that's where I am.

I'm angry, too. I post angry things, then I erase them because it's not what I really mean and right now everything that I say is being picked apart. I'm not a perfect person. I've made a lot of changes in the last few years, but the changes for the better don't seem to matter.

Only the bad.

I'm so tired. So very, very tired.

Drumroll, please...

2008-08-26T11:00:00.006-04:00

The worst of the worst:

This morning:

My camera has a bit of a tinge to it - the spots are NOT that noticeable now. I believe I am scarred though. It looks very much like scarring and I'm not sure when/if it will go away. I'm a little worried about that, but if that's what ends up happening, that's life. The important thing is that the infection is gone :)

Oh, and the watch? That's as far as I'm willing to go to cover it at work. What are they going to do, fire me? ;)

You always forget something...

2008-08-26T10:51:00.003-04:00

I forgot to mention the very funny aspect of my trip to Phoenix last week.

Remember now that I had literally 45 minutes to get Alex and I packed and to my parents house.

You always forget something when you pack, right?

Tuesday night, I'm going through the suitcase. I have finally broken the curse. Everything that we need is there. Alex doesn't have nice clothes for the funeral, but we knew that and Dave and Lorena went and got him some (Zack, too). Toothbrushes, deodorant, underwear, all that, totally there!

Friday morning, I'm getting on my clothes for the funeral (see, didn't forget those either).

I put on my right shoe.

I go to put on my left shoe and think "hm, that's weird, if this is my right shoe, why didn't the left shoe hurt when I put it on my right foot?"

I take the shoe off my right foot and put the right shoe on. I put the shoe on my left foot and my face falls with the realization that...

I brought two right shoes!!!!!!!!

I have no left shoe.

How is this possible, you wonder?

I have two pairs of shoes for work - they are identical. One set is more battered than the other and I wear those on shifts where I only open and don't have to see guests.

The two pair sit next to each other on the shoe rack. I grabbed two shoes and shoved them in my suitcase, assuming they were an actual set.

Two right shoes. Luckily, I only had to wear them for about 2 hours.

You always forget something, right?

States I've Visited

2008-08-21T18:44:00.001-04:00

Thanks, Jamie, for letting me steal this from your blog.

I did not count states I've merely driven through, rather states I've spent some time in NOT in the car :)

Not bad!!!

visited 21 states (42%)
Create your own visited map of The United States or determine the next president

Sometimes, being impulsive is a good thing...

2008-08-20T00:15:00.003-04:00

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Let's rewind to paint the full picture. I got a call on Sunday morning from David that his grandmother died on Saturday night. Expected, of course, but not this quickly!! She was supposed to have a few months, at least. Very sad, but he said that the whole family had been there during the day and it was a wonderful day.

So, he calls me at work yesterday (Mondays are my open to close day, yay for more stress thrown into the mix) to say that Grandma's funeral would be on Friday. He would like to stay in Phoenix for it, but send Zack home alone, on their original flight, today. I scrambled big time to find some help so I that I wouldn't have to take off work.

Mother-in-law says "Cassie said she could help you out." Great! I can find someone to help out on Wed night and then have Cass help on Friday, so that she's not here all week. I ask her. She says she's "busy". Busy? With what? She has no job.

Come to find out her 'important plans' that are oh so much more important than helping out in a family emergency is that she wants to see her friends before they leave for college. Fantastic. Great priorities. I honestly don't know how I raised such a selfish child, but whatever, what's done is done. If she wants to be that way, it's her choice.

I figure out a decent solution and get the ball rolling with the daycare plans. I get home from work and I'm stressed to the hilt. I don't want Zack flying home alone - I wasn't ready for that, I'm still not ready for it.

I'm stressed about leaving them with someone new on Wed night (even though I had full faith in this friend to take good care of them). I'm stressed about having to leave work on Friday to get Zack from daycare and take him to another person's house.

I sit in my chair and start sobbing. I want Dave home. I miss him, too. I don't WANT to wait until Friday to see him. I want to go to the funeral and be with his family. I love all of them so much - they accepted me from day one into the family like I had been born into it. His grandma was more of a grandparent to me than I've ever had before. I loved her very much.

I cried for her. I cried because I never got to tell her how much she meant to me. I cried because I couldn't even be at the funeral to pay my respects. I was lonely, sad, and miserable.

I woke up late this morning and wondered the odds of being able to get a flight out to Phoenix today and back home on Saturday morning in time for work. I called my boss. I told her I wanted to go out for the funeral, could she and her husband cover my two shifts (Wed close and Fri open) if I worked their shifts next Thurs (open to close). She called me back and said yes!!!!

I frantically called my parents "Can I get a ride to the airport. Can you feed the cats while I'm away?" They were beyond accomodating. They offered to buy cat food to save me a trip to the store. I literally had 45 minutes to get us packed and over to their house to leave from the time I booked the tickets. Mom gave me a carry on bag and some cash because she "knows I'm pressed for time and might not be able to get to a bank." They keep my keys so that they can pick us all up on Saturday morning in my van.

So now, $1500 and a 5 hour flight later, Alex and I are sitting in my mother-in-law's house with Dave and Zack.

I get to see the family.

I get to pay my respects at the funeral.

I get to hold my husband and love on him.

I get to sit next to my son on the flight back.

Amazing how life can change in 24 hours.

Sunday....

2008-08-17T13:03:00.005-04:00

Before:

This morning:

It.

Looks.

So.

Much.

BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 14...

2008-08-16T11:56:00.003-04:00

Lookie there.

Serious fading.

Progress.

Finally!!!!

I guess I'm a big liar

2008-08-15T20:54:00.001-04:00

To some degree, I have been looking forward to tonight for a few days now. Dave and Zack are in Arizona and Alex is at Ben's for the weekend. I got finished with work, got home, and the house was quiet.

Nice.

So, I cleaned up a little, changed out of my work clothes, and here I sit.

And I'm unhappy :( I miss Dave. I just want to give him a hug. I miss the boys. Mostly, though, I miss someone else being in the house with me.

I'm a big loser haha

I'm going to relax, though - pick out a movie, chill, and then get a solid night's sleep with no one waking me up in the morning. Now THAT I won't be complaining about :)

I'm gonna vomit

2008-08-15T11:14:00.002-04:00

Not really, but I needed a catchy title.

Referral to a dermatologist (none of which can see me until mid-September - yeah, that's helpful). Continue what will end up being a total of a 3 week antibiotic course. Finish the steroids. Re-introduce the antibiotic ointment that I was previously using. No work restrictions as long as I keep it covered.

My stomach HATES me right now. I still need to relax as much as possible - doc says the stress will only hinder the healing. What healing? But whatever.

I should resign myself to the fact that my arm is going to look like this forever. As long as it doesn't itch, I don't care hahaha

Oh, yeah...

Floor seats to Coldplay :) They aren't nearly as good as the seat I had last time, but this time I don't have to go alone!!!

Day 13

2008-08-15T08:27:00.003-04:00

Sigh, no change. Nothing that I can see, other than that the itching has almost completely stopped:

This is yesterday:

On my way to my appt - I'll update when I get back (but not if it interferes with Coldplay tickets)

Me Luck is Changin'

2008-08-14T16:10:00.001-04:00

Remember how I laughed at Ticketmaster the other day? Called them silly?

I take it all back.

For today, in my inbox, came an e-mail.

Said e-mail was letting me know that a certain musical band, that I like so very much, has added another date to their tour.

Interesting, I think.

It's in DC.

On Halloween. Gotta love Coldplay!

TICKETS GO ON SALE TOMORROW AND I'M SO THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's Change the Subject, Shall We?

2008-08-14T10:47:00.002-04:00

Enough focusing on the sickness, let's talk about something else. Oh wait, this revolves around sickness as well. Not mine, though.

I dropped Dave and Zack off at the airport this morning. They are taking a quickly-thrown-together trip to Phoenix to go visit Dave's family. Unfortunately, Grandma has been diagnosed with a brain tumor and does not have much longer. She had surgery, but is refusing the chemo and radiation. Dave hasn't seen her in 4 years. Zack hasn't been out since last summer. Alex and Cassie have both been out there this year, so we thought it was important for Grandma to see Zack once more as well.

For today, it's just Alex and me. I promised him I would take him to see Dark Knight again. I can swing that. Tomorrow, he will be going to a friend's house for the weekend. This ends upbeing a godsend now that I have to basically sit around and try to relax as much as possible. I'm not supposed to be working, but I can as long as I'm not prepping. So, someone else is opening for me tomorrow and I will go in around 2pm and work a short shift. Then I will come home and crash. I close on Saturday night and I'm off on Sunday.

I'll pick up Alex around noon on Sunday and we'll have another day together. I hope I'm feeling better for that one.

Another week and a half until school starts. I don't have supplies for Alex - I have Zack's because I pre-ordered them through this special offer at the end of last school year. I hate this time of year. I never feel like the kids are prepared for it, whether it's because I messed up or they are just not ready.

//Shia LeBeouf is hot

I miss my kid already and he's not even landed in Arizona yet. He was so excited to get to go on a trip just him and dad. He was so cute walking into the airport with his bags with daddy. He's getting to be so grown up, I really do hate it.

He's almost 7. Alex will be 13 next year. Oy. I need to go lay down.

Day 12 - Staph Infection

2008-08-14T10:08:00.002-04:00

Tell me I'm not seeing things.

This DEFINITELY looks better, right? I mean, as to the swelling. Actually it's looks lighter to me, as well, but this picture doesn't really show that.

Finally, a diagnosis...

2008-08-13T13:47:00.001-04:00

Staph.

So not what I was expecting or hoping for.

I'm going to go lay down, I feel like shit.

Can you see a difference?

2008-08-11T15:21:00.002-04:00

I definitely see a difference, but it's not a good one...

Yesterday:

Today:

I'm at work in tears. I'm miserable. It hurts so much. It itches. Fuck!

I have to write this down

2008-08-10T18:37:00.002-04:00

Zack woke me up this morning with his typical "Mom? I have a question"

"uh huh" I said sleepily.

"What's herpes?"

"um" I must be dreaming "WHAT did you just say?"

"What is herpes? Would you kill yourself if you had it?"

Totally awake now.

"Herpes are sores on your mouth or your privates. No, I wouldn't kill myself. Where the heck did you hear about herpes and why on earth are you asking me about suicide?"

"It was in a game. She got herpes and then killed herself. That's gross. How do you get it?"

"What game?"

"How do you get it?"

"What game?"

"How do you get it, mom, I asked you a question!"

"Grown ups get it from having sex with someone else who has it. What game??"

"Ew. That's gross. I love you mommy" kisses me on the cheek. "bye!"

Tell me this was actually a dream, pretty please with sugar on top?

If you gross out easily...

2008-08-10T15:42:00.003-04:00

You're not going to want to read this one.

As you know, I've been having some issues with my arm. Decided to watch it until Tuesday and see what's up. I haven't laid a finger on it in over 24 hours. When I woke up this morning, it was the grossest it's ever been.

It's been aching. HURTING down to the bone the last few days. So, when I woke up this morning and it looked like this:

I freaked the fuck out. Actually, THAT picture was taken hours later, in the urgent care clinic, AFTER it was actually looking better, if you can believe it. I woke up seriously swollen and itchy.

I debated ER vs. urgent care center and decided I didn't want to get laughed out of the ER for having a stupid little rash, so I went to Patient First. That place is great, by the way. You can usually get in and out very quickly, but they were super busy today and it took 2 hours, but still, much shorter than the ER.

So, I go through the intake nurse first (who, incidentally asked if they were going to be seeing me or my 'daughter' - she meant Zack, who wanted to come and keep me company. Nice, ya idiot - he's got a penis). ANYWAY...

After a long wait, which consisted of Zack and I dancing around the office to all the highly inappropriate music I have on my cell phone, the doctor came in and she made a nice face when she saw it. That's never good.

"The rash is an infectious reaction."

"Oh, so it's just a coincidence that it's on the arm I just had tattooed?"

"No. The needle introduced this infection and your body's attacking it."

Great.

I explained that I watched the tattoo artist open up a brand new needle and she said that it wasn't the needle itself, but the fact that it was then, essentially, an open wound that got infected later, which is why the reaction didn't occur immediately.

Think that perhaps working around raw meat and all kinds of other stuff immediately after getting it might have done that? I'm willing to bet on it.

Long story short - I have antibiotics and an ointment to use. It's already a lot less itchy, but it still looks SO gross.

I should see some good results within two days.

And you know damn well, I'll be taking pictures of it all.

I think I'm fooling myself

2008-08-09T10:49:00.004-04:00

I don't think this is getting better at all. I decided to take daily pictures this weekend to see if it is improving at all and with these first pics taken today (Saturday), I'm saying no.

If I don't see a significant change by Tuesday morning, I'm gonna have to go see the doctor. I can't go on Monday because I'm working. Ugh. At least it's definitely not in the tattoo itself, but still, this is gross.

I Love Blogger...

2008-08-07T17:15:00.001-04:00

and here is why.

My laptop spacebar has been seriously f'd up for several months. At first, I wasn't getting any spaces. Now, I get like 3 in between words sometimes and it's really annoying.

When I blog, however, Blogger fixes it for me automatically - I don't have to hit spellcheck or anything like that. It looks like serious crap right now, you have no idea, but when I hit "Publish Post," it will look perfect. Like the brilliant writer and grammar freak that I am.

I heart Blogger.

Tattoo Update

2008-08-07T17:06:00.002-04:00

I'll just answer everyone's questions at once here, so I don't have to repeat myself.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm having an allergic reaction to the stupid Lubriderm that I was using to keep the tattoo hydrated. Of all the things in the world to be allergic to, it's unscented lotion?!?! That's a funny joke.

If I were allergic to the ink, well, a) I would have had some kind of reaction with my other 5 pieces and b) it would have happened very quickly, not 4 days later.

So, I stopped putting on the lotion and I haven't had any more serious breakouts. However, the original rash is still there and it's ugly because I scratched the shit out of it the other day. I found some prescription cream that I had for another skin issue a while ago. It's probably expired. I don't care. The shit works.

I'm not itchy anymore and that's a good thing.

The tat is healing nicely. Pretty much all of the scabs have fallen off. It does, however, have a very "alligator-y" quality to the skin right now and I don't like that at all. I'm sure that will go away as well and it may have something to do with the lack of lotion being used at this point. I'm going to put some sunscreen on it and that should help with the moisture. I need to put sunblock on it every day before I leave the house because any direct exposure to sunlight can fade it really quickly. I gotta buy a bottle of like 55 SPF just for me that I can keep in my room or something.

I don't want to take a final picture yet because the red rash bumps are still there, so once that's gone, then I will take a final picture.

I still love it. It's looks great and best of all, it doesn't hurt anymore!! I have discovered something very, very interesting though. Seems as though the tattoo is linked to my soul somehow and when I get stressed, it aches. Hm. I'm a freak of nature :)

Grab some snacks

2008-08-04T20:38:00.007-04:00

Cuz this is gonna be a long one. (that's what she said)

Last night was Sunday, August 3. We all know what that means.

Sigh. They are amazing. Absolutely amazing. Whatever they did in the month that they postponed the tour was worth the wait. They were TIGHT. They sounded amazing. Every song was perfect. Everyone wants to know the details, so I will do my best to oblige.

Now, when I said I had 5th row tickets, I wasn't kidding. I was on the side, but lucky for me, one of the stage extensions was right there in front of us.

Here's a few shots while they were setting up so you can see I'm not full of shit:

The lights went out, the screaming began, and Coldplay took the stage. They started with Life in Technicolour (the opening instrumental track from the new album). They played behind these black sheers, backlit with white light:

The sheers went up and revealed this backdrop, which I thought was pretty cool:

Then they went immediately into Violet Hill. I had predicted they would play that as the opening song and I was mostly right:

Chris accidentally wacked himself in the face with the microphone at the end, it was pretty funny.

A few 'thank yous' and they went right into Clocks:

Really cool lasers during Clocks:

Now, there is no way I can remember the exact order of the songs, but I'm pretty sure they played In My Place after that. Being that it's my friend Nadine's favorite songs (and one of my favorites to see live), I videotaped the entire song so she could see it. I love how Chris plays to the crowd. He's all about the singalongs.

Every time during the chorus, the house lights came on and everyone in the crowd sang at top volume. It's incredible to hear an entire stadium of people singing in unison. I can't embed for some reason, but please check it out:

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v196/kellyr2/Cathyspics/?action=view¤t=InMyPlace.flv

The song I was waiting for. Viva la Vida. Couldn't wait to hear the singalong, I knew it would be awesome. Unfortunately, my memory card filled up halfway through the song, but here's what I got:

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v196/kellyr2/Cathyspics/?action=view¤t=VivaLaVida.flv

During the singalong, he came right up to our side of the stage. So close!!!!!

Some other songs they played:
Lost!
Yes (oh I was thrilled!!!)
Yellow (complete with yellow spot lights all around)
42
Strawberry Swing
Fix You (my favorite part was the very end. For the final, quiet chorus at the end, he turned his piano mic to the audience and walked away from the piano, allowing all of us to sing the end)
Lovers in Japan
The Hardest Part - now this one, I'm not 100% sure this is what he sang because I was frantically trying to delete pictures and open up more memory for more pics of the concert. Part way through the song (which was a slower version than the album) he stopped paying piano and said "ok that's enough of that" and moved on to another song :)

I watched with tremedous excitement as the band proceeded to walk down the stage extention to us, set up, and start to play RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. Literally:

They played God Put A Smile On Your Face. The only problem, if you want to call it that, was they were a little left of me and facing the front, so I really could only see Chris's ass. Oh the horror. Hated every second of it. And since I hated it so much, I took a shitload of pictures.

Incidentally, these guys do NOT stand still!!!!

Another gratuitous ass shot from a later song:

Random stage shot - no clue what song it was from:

Near the end of the show, they ran out into the audience and out one of the back doors. Then they suddenly appears in one of the very back sections, standing in a row with fans and sang The Scientist. I thought that was SO cool - those people had shitty seats and ended up with the best seats in the house. They were no more than a foot away from the entire band. Here's a shot of how far away they were:

They had these giant globes that moved up and down during the show. Sometimes they had weird color patterns on them, which were beautiful:

Other times, they had live-feed footage of the band and it was perfect video quality, so it was like having 6 round screens for everyone around to see the band close up. Very cool.

After they left for the encores (right after a short song sung by drummer Will Champion, which was performed in the back right after The Scientist), they showed a quick video on the globes of Bill O'Reilly calling Chris a 'pinhead' for making fun of Fox News in Violet Hill and then not coming on his show. It was hilarious. They used a remix of Talk and showed images of Karl Rove and Bush being stupid, it was great.

Then the encores started.

Politik. God damn that's a great song!!!
Square One - amazing.

The last song was Death and all of his Friends. During this song, they dropped thousands upon thousands of crepe paper butterflies. One dump, two dumps,then the final dump were florescent ones with a black light shining on them, I was awestruck:

I have more shots on my cell phone, but for some reason, I couldn't get them to transfer to my computer. I'm working on it.

They said goodnight and walked to all corners of the stage, waving at everyone and saying "thank you" over and over again. One thing that really struck me was how honored they seemed to be that people like their music. They were very humble, and honestly seemed surprised that we were so excited to see them. They seemed just as thrilled to be there as we all were.

I'm sure I'm forgetting some details. Like at the end of Yellow when he totally screwed up the last chorus. He stopped and said "wow, I totally fucked that up" and started up again - halfway through singing, he'd interject "well, that's much better" "perfect" and stuff.

Also, he said, before Will sang his song "you may ask yourself why do all singers think they can play harmonica? I don't fucking know. I play for shit, but I'm still gonna do it." And he accompanied Will :)

Fantastic show. I'm really hoping they add another leg to the tour, like they did with the Twisted Logic Tour 3 years ago. I'm dying to see them again. It was totallly worth it going alone and having such great seats. The people around me were chatty, so it was really nice.

If you read this whole thing, I applaud you.

Now, I need some sleep!!

I'm thinking this is no bueno...

2008-08-03T10:45:00.003-04:00

The tattoo is healing well. I haven't had any issues. The pain is pretty much gone at this point. If I accidentally hit it, yeah, it hurts, but it's not throbbing and I can wear clothes over it.

However, Houston, we have a problem.

I woke up this morning to THIS:

What. The. Fuck??

It itches like hell, but I'm not scratching it. I can't tell really if it's embedded in the tattoo or just below. The tat doesn't itch at all, so I'm thinking no. But it's very scabby, so it's hard to tell.

Ugh. Of course, I've never had a reaction like this. Of course, the tattoo parlor is closed until Tuesday.

I think I'll take some Benadryl and see if that helps. Gotta be 100% for the Coldplay concert tonight ;)

My newest piece...

2008-07-31T13:31:00.006-04:00

I've been wanting another tattoo for several years now. I've wanted to get some kind of homage to my children. But, I didn't want to just tattoo their names on me - that's just too cliche and common to me.

It's been in the back of mind for years, keeping an eye out for an idea, a design, anything.

So, last week, I'm looking at Coldplay stuff online, as I'm want to do because they are awesome and I saw the cover of their 3rd album, X&Y:

Hmm, interesting colors and concept. Reading up more on the design, I found out that it's an artist's visual representation of binary code. VERY interesting...

I wondered what my kids' initials would look like with that coding? Eh, unimpressed.

But then, I thought - what about their names?

Zack Alex Cassie:

Now, THAT is interesting...I fell in love with it. Completely original, has incredible meaning to me on different levels. Perfect.

I took the design to a tattoo artist last Saturday and asked what they could do. He said no problem, shrunk it down and we set an appt for yesterday. Cool thing was thre were several people in the tattoo shop who saw the design and once I told them what it was, they thought it was even cooler. Lots of positive comments from people, which just solidified that I'm not weird haha

I decided on my left wrist. This is my first piece that's very visible, but it's also the piece that means the most to me of anything I've had done. I'd have all my other pieces removed if I had to keep just one.

So...I had it done yesterday. Hurt more than any piece I've had done. I'm a lot more swollen and sensitive than the others, but I'm chalking that up to where it is. My wrist is not getting any rest, with the typing, working, etc. A shoulder is a lot different than a wrist.

Here it is. I think it turned out perfect. Remembering right now it's bloody and swollen and this was taken with my phone:

And just to give you an idea of HOW swollen it is - this is what I woke up to this morning:

My biggest concern right now is keeping it covered at work while it heals. It's not a pretty thing right now and it needs to stay covered, however, the long sleeved shirt I wore last night KILLED me. I figure when it IS healed, I can get a thick bracelet and I'll be set, but what to do until then? Oh well, I'll figure something out.

I could not be happier with this piece. It's gorgeous, meaningful, and I love it with all my heart.

Hahaha, Ticketmaster is stupid

2008-07-29T12:26:00.002-04:00

I got an email "reminder" that the Coldplay concert is on Sunday.

Oh really?

The concert I've been waiting over 3 years for?

The one that got postponed from last month?

The one I've had a 5th row ticket for since some time in May?

The one I've been counting the days until all summer (it's 5 days away, FWIW)

Yeah, that's something I'm going to forget about.

I'm broken...

2008-07-29T00:56:00.004-04:00

But getting a ton better.

I'm exhausted. I've dealt with a lot of shit in the last week. But, I think everything is on an upturn. One could only hope - doesn't really get much worse than it's been.

That being said - I've got some cool stuff to look forward to this week.

My Coldplay-inspired homage to my children will be permanently inked onto my left wrist on Wednesday. I'm so excited, I can't wait!!!

The Coldplay concert is on Sunday WOO HOO!!!! I may pee myself with excitement.

This week at work is busy and that's always good.

I have the most wonderful group of friends on the new board that I'm on. It's already 'home' for me and it's barely been in existence.

I'm so happy to be rid of pregnancy.org that I can't stand it. So free. So happy :)

Waiting for some friends to pop out those babies - waiting to visit with one who just did!

Life is good - you wouldn't know it from the title of this blog entry, but it really, really is.

Relieved...

2008-07-11T19:28:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I won't be a part of that website anymore. The last week has taken the cake. They have now turned into the site that they fought so hard to get away from. They are no better.

As soon as the swap is over on the Atheist Board, I'll have my account deactived. I couldn't be happier with the decision.

I'm Sensing a Pattern

2008-07-06T11:28:00.003-04:00

Me = very sleepy, just waking up
Zack = just woke up, laying in bed with me watching tv and snuggling

Me = Drifting in and out of sleep...

Zack says...

"Hey, mom, look - my private is sticking out of my underwear!"

Ugh.

Zack, stop playing with your penis

2008-07-04T18:53:00.003-04:00

"No, I can't. It's stupid. And fun."

2 minutes later.

"Zack stop playing with your penis."

He puts his fingers on it and plays it like a flute as he sings a little song.

I'm in sooo much trouble.

Surprising...

2008-07-04T14:53:00.005-04:00

Sometimes, the feeling still hits me like a ton of bricks. The nausea, hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. There's nothing I can do about it. There is always that sense of "what if," even if the odds are almost impossible. The fact is, the fear is still there 5 years later. I have no reason to be so worried, but yet I am.

At first, I was upset at myself and thought it was a sign of weakness or self-doubt. You know, something that reflected badly upon me. I quickly realized that it's OK to sit with this feeling. There is nothing wrong with it. It will pass. But it hasn't passed. Now, it's not so much that I'm worried that it's going to happen again, it's more that I'm re-living 5 years ago.

I called him. I just wanted to tell him how I'm feeling and he was wonderful, of course. I hope he enjoys his night to himself.

It's very surprising to me how this can just sneak up on me, without warning or triggers. So, I sit here and I think hard - what could have triggered me? Was it his suspicions? No. What is it? It's some stupid bitch on one of the boards and her stupid self. See, I knew I should have given up all but 2 of the boards, but I didn't. I need to. Idiots.

The pessimistic side of me comes out once in a while still and I don't like it. I wonder when my life will come crashing down because it can't stay this good forever. Will Dave lose his job? Will I lose someone close to me? There are so many other things I worry about. Luckily, my medication helps and I don't ruminate so much. I think about things, but then I just stop. I used to have anxiety attacks because I couldn't get things out of my head. I'm so glad I'm not there anymore.

I feel a lot better after writing this

No, I'm not still drunk

2008-07-03T18:57:00.003-04:00

I debated whether or not to do any blogging tonight. Obviously, the impulse won out.

So, I'm sitting here in a hotel room, all alone and it's heaven. Not that I don't miss my husband and kids. I do, to an extent ;) Mostly, though, it's some much needed time with me, myself, and I. Dave and I struck a great deal (my idea, incidentally) - I'm staying here tonight. I'll come home tomorrow before noon, then he'll come here until Saturday morning. We both get some much needed alone time - it works perfectly.

Of course, someone had to say something and make me think twice about it. Both of my bosses were like "you're so weird - why don't you go away with Dave?" Um, because my babysitter moved out?!? Also, that's not ENTIRELY the point. I WOULD like a little time to myself. I've been here all day and it's been wonderful. I took a super-long bath in the jacuzzi. I listened to whatever music I wanted to at whatever volume I wanted and I didn't have to make sure it wasn't bothering anyone. Oh, incidentally, Maroon 5 and Eminem :) Much more fun to dance to than Coldplay.

I also have a bottle of wine. It is my friend. no, seriously - I don't get to drink that much. And it's not that I really want to either, but it's nice to be some place where I can have some wine that I really love and not worry about how to get home, what time to be home, etc. I just have to worry about drunk posting, which apparently, I've already done some of. Great. Sometimes that's worse than a hangover.

I've watched a few movies on my computer (Mean Girls and Misery). I plan on watching some more and falling asleep in the giant, lush bed. I will not have to worry about waking someone next to me. I will not have to worry about Zack feet pushing into my back at 8am. And as wonderful as the good morning kiss is that he gives me, I won't get one tomorrow morning and I'll be perfectly happy.

I'd better set an alarm so I don't over sleep. Dave deserves this, too!!!

No One's Going to Read This

2008-07-02T15:11:00.004-04:00

I'm ok with that. People keep asking me what I think of the new Coldplay album and it's so hard for me to describe it briefly, so I won't. Here is my detailed review of the new Coldplay album, Viva la Vida (or Death and all his Friends).

The more I listen to this CD, the more I fall in love with it. I have to be honest and say that the first listen scared me. I didn't realize that I was listening to it out of order and the first 3 songs were just not what I was wanting to hear. It's a very different sound for Coldplay. But, I decided to plug through and keep listening.

This is one of those albums where I can hear something new each and every time I listen to it. I've probably listened to it completely 20 times and yesterday, for the first time, I realized that the basic melody of the opening instrumental track (Life in Technicolor) is played at the end of another track, later on the album (Death and all his Friends).

There are two versions of the same song (Lost) and, at first, I thought that was kinda lame. They could have put a whole 'nother track in there and had 12 tracks, instead of 11. But, again, upon repeat listenings, I think both versions are really cool. I like the more upbeat one (Lost!) than the softer, more ballad-y one (Lost?).

Chris breaks away from his trademark falsetto many times on this album and it's a refreshing change. It's also sexy as hell. Man, he's got a great voice. But I digress. So let's break it down...

1. Life in Technicolor
Ok, this is the opening track of the album and a full instrumental track. There's not much to say about it. It's pretty and it's catchy. There are some vocal "whoa"s in there near the end.

2. Cemeteries of London
The first track to break away from the falsetto. He starts out singing kinda low and it's a bit of a shock at first. Of course, he goes back into his higher range fairly quickly into the song. The first verse only has a little tinkling piano in the background, which lends itself to build up a sense of "where is this going". Then it suddenly breaks out into a solid, fast drum beat, which might be my favorite drum beat of the entire album. Easy to sing along with. First mention of God, but not nearly the last. But, that doesn't bug me at all :)

3. Lost!
The upbeat version of this song. I adore the lyrics to this one, they remind me very much of Everything's Not Lost - "Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost". "Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt". I really love that. I like the drum beat in this one a lot, as well. I like any song that makes me bounce my head to the rhythm. I've seen this performed live twice on TV and they really rock it.

4. 42
This ranks up there as one of the best tracks on the album. It starts out with a lone piano and Chris's lilting, soft voice. A gorgeous melody. Another death-themed song (there are a lot on this album, but it's anything but depressing). After the first verse, we add in some strings in the background. Still gorgeous. Makes me close my eyes and just relax every time I hear it. It's almost comforting. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, it breaks into a flat-out rocker. Zack loves the fast part of the song and sings along every time at the top of his lungs "You thought you might be a ghost, you thought you might be a ghost. You didn't get to heaven but you made it close". The guitar is very prominant in the second part of the song. There's a triplet drum beat following each line of the fast part that lends itself to a full on clap-along. It's impossible not to hit my steering wheel in tune, or clap - it's fantastically catchy. It seamlessly ends back with a repeat of the beginning's slow, beautiful verse. LOVE this song.

5. Lovers in Japan
Not one of my favorite tracks, but still very good. Very upbeat. Piano, strings, guitar - it's got it all. This is the first of 3 tracks that is multifaceted, as in it starts out as one song and turns into a completely different one. You could say that 42 does that as well, but the 3 tracks I'm talking about go to a whole 'nother level and are over 6 minutes long each. Don't let that scare you - they are all very good. So back to Lovers in Japan. I think my favorite part of this song is the piano. 4 minutes in, it fades off and it sounds like the song ends. Then there's a beautiful piano solo of tremelos and chords. Another 'close your eyes and soak it all in moment". Chris sings a low range verse here and it has a nice fade out at the end.

6. Yes
If I was forced to name a favorite track, this may just be it (it's tied very closely with the title track, which I can listen to over and over and never get sick of). It starts with an eager string intro, which reminds me VERY much of the beginning of I Am The Walrus. Add guitars, a single note on the piano, more strings, the drums and OH MY GOD Chris is singing the deepest I've ever heard and I completely enthralled. "If you'd only say yes..." Ok, I say yes. YES YES YES hahaha. This is the longest track of the album and another that blends into a completely different song. My favorite part of the track is the little bit between the verse and the chorus - just drums and a funky string solo. The second half of the song is basically instrumental and it's rockin' I can't wait to see this one live!

7. Viva la Vida
Almost a perfect song. From beginning to end, I love every second of it. Any rock song that starts with some kick-ass strings is a good song, in my opinion. The verses have a great sing-along melody, so does the chorus. I can already hear the entire arena singing along with the 'whoas' near the end - it's going to be amazing. I don't have to write much about this track because it's awesome and I have yet to find anyone who has heard it that doesn't like it. Even people who 'hate' Coldplay, love this song. Oh, I said almost perfect? I'd like it if it were longer ;)

8. Violet Hill
This was the first track that was released a few months ago and it's sucked me in every time I've heard it. Chris Martin said he's had the first line of the song written for 10 years, but never knew where to go with it. Another track that starts out very simply with only piano and Chris. When the guitar enters, it is much stronger than any Coldplay song I've heard. It's a downright rock-and-roll song. Plus, there's a very veiled reference to Fox News and Idiot Bush, which is always welcomed by me.

9. Strawberry Swing
Interesting song. Starts out with this upbeat, tinkling guitar solo. Drums fade in, then come the vocals. A very light song. I really love the line "It's such...it's such a perfect day." It always makes me take in a deep breath and appreciate whatever it is that I'm doing (usually driving). I really like the lyrics on this one. It's not a song that I can appreciate when I'm prepping at work because this song lends itself to a very close listen and appreciation of the subtleties of it and I can't pay attention to details when I'm working.

10. Death and all his Friends
This was the very first track I heard when the album came out (other than the two early releases, Violet Hill and the title track). Now, I realize why I didn't like it at first. I thought, how on earth is this a good way to start an album? Well, it's not and they didn't start the album with this track. It's a nice way to come to an end. It begins with a quiet piano/Chris verse (it's a pattern). Out of nowhere, it crescendos into a nice beat and guitar lead. This part of the song also includes Chris's favorite lyric on the album "I don't want to cycle, recycle revenge" - interesting. The track ends with a repeat of the opening instrumental song and an almost whispered final verse, which puts actual lyrics to the instrumental, which I found pretty cool.

11. Lost?
The slower version of the earlier track. It's a very nice denouemont (look it up) and I think that was their entire point of putting it at the end. How do you think it starts? Oh with a piano and Chris? You're brilliant. It's a gorgeous song and the perfect ending to a great album.

Wanna Know What I Ended up Doing?

2008-07-01T23:39:00.001-04:00

Watching episode after episode of Dexter. Computer closed, full attention. I was not bored once.

Great show!!

My Life is so Rough...

2008-07-01T20:59:00.002-04:00

Yeah, that's sarcasm.

I am bored. Like, seriously, just bored out of my mind. I ran my errands this morning and I've been chillin' since. I've already played Guitar Hero Aerosmith ad nauseum this afternoon. I've read all the boards that I care to read and they are boring the crap out of me, as well.

I don't feel like watching TV - I've done that already. I kinda want to go to bed, but it's only 9pm and I don't want to be anything like Jordan and her "I'm asleep at 8" bullshit (love you, J).

The boys are in bed and Dave and I are just sitting around. I know what you're thinking. Nope, already done THAT today, too.

I wanted to go somewhere earlier - just get out of the house. Now, I have no interest in that. So, I'll just continue to write this boring blog entry about being bored. Appropriate, no?

Don't feel like talking on the phone. I don't really have anything of any interest to say. Obviously.

Man, I'm a boring person to boot :)

Damn...

2008-06-29T16:30:00.001-04:00

I got some cute kids!

And for good measure:

It's pretty amazing

2008-06-26T21:45:00.004-04:00

How just a little tweaking of medication can make a world of difference. I have more energy now, I'm more into spending time with people, I'm basically just a hell of a lot happier.

I even went out and exercised today, which I haven't done in a long time. I haven't had the motivation.

You know what else is amazing?

Stupid people.

They are rampant - another reason to stay away from the majority of the parenting boards now. Nothing worse than trying to decipher a post from someone who clearly is as dumb as a post, and then reading that they are planning on home schooling their children. Bitch, you can't even SPELL school, how on EARTH are you going to teach your children anything?

Stupid.

Oh oh - here's another one. Um, I don't have any money to buy my kids necessities, but hey, let's go on vacation, buy cigarettes for our husband, and fancy video games. Yeah, that makes total sense. Oh, wait - we'll tell everyone they were gifts. Dude, if you are getting hundreds of dollars of items in gifts, YOU NEED TO SELL THAT SHIT AND GET YOUR KIDS SOME UNDERWEAR AND FOOD!!!!! Because, your needs are NOT more important than your childrens' needs, don't you get that??? Oh, and of course, have some MORE kids while you're at it when you can't afford the ones that you do have. I think that person should get the parent of the year award.

Stupid idiotic people. I have no patience for them anymore.

I LOVE TOP CHEF!!!!!!!! (Part Three)

2008-06-24T23:55:00.002-04:00

Upon re-viewing of the reunion show, I now pink puffy heart Andrew more than before. As if "I have a culinary boner right now" wasn't good enough, then he followed it up with the wonderful comment about Spike. How I missed this other gem on the first viewing, I have no clue:

*clears throat*

"I want to make a butterscotch waterfall out of unicorn cock"

Brazilliant!!!!

Adding to the collection

2008-06-22T20:41:00.006-04:00

I tried to get a picture of Zack today, because he's got Fifths Disease and his cheeks are bright red. I've never actually seen it before, just heard about it a bunch. It explains his being sick recently.

But, as I was saying. I asked him to stand still so I could take a picture. What do you think he did? You all KNOW what he did:

A Breakthrough!!!!

2008-06-22T19:42:00.002-04:00

We got Alex's report card today. I'm lazy and tend to get the mail about twice a week. I'm sure it was sitting there for several days, oops.

Alex has a lot of issues. Schoolwork is a daily struggle in our house. It was looking pretty grim earlier in the year. But, man, this kid has some people who really care about him. We've had meetings with teachers/teams/etc. David came up with this great calendar/homework checking system and we based rewards on that. He's been struggling in Math all year. No grades higher than a D and not because he doesn't understand or know the information - he doesn't do the work, or he rushes through and does it wrong. His handwriting is too hard to read sometimes. He has issues, we'll just say that.

His 4th quarter report card was amazing. He finally got a C in Math and that was his only C. All A's and B's. Plus, the majority of his final grades for the year were A's and B's. Math wasn't, but we knew that was coming. He got a C in Art or something - I don't care. He got A's and B's in ALL of his important non-math classes. WOO HOO!!!!!!! He's so smart - it's very hard to see that sometimes with all the problems that he has at school.

He's worked really hard and so has David. I mean, I've supported him as well, but honestly, David deserves most of the credit for how well Alex ended the year.

We will finally have an IEP in place for him for next year and will have team meetings and such to keep him on this positive road. I'm hoping the struggles will be less next year.

So way to go, Alex!!!!! You're doing a great job!!!!

I LOVE TOP CHEF!!!!!!!! (Part Two)

2008-06-19T00:32:00.003-04:00

Funniest shit I've heard in a long time.

Reunion show.

Andrew.

Talking about Spike.

"I'm not gay, but I'd probaby let him bang me."

BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Vicious Cycle

2008-06-17T23:31:00.002-04:00

I've gained some weight. I'm not happy about it. But, I can't seem to get off my ass and do anything about it. Being fat makes me unhappy, and being unhappy makes me fat. I know what I SHOULD do, but I have no motivation to do it.

I've lost interest in things I used to love doing. I just don't want to be bothered. I don't think it's the meds, I think it's just me. Blah.

It's a vicious cycle. I gotta figure out how to break it.

Daddy's Day

2008-06-15T12:12:00.002-04:00

Happy Father's Day to my wonderful David. I could make the super-cheesy, full-of-cliches post about how great he is and what a great dad he is. Maybe this will turn into that. Knowing me, it probably will. Ever since giving birth to Zachary, I'm emotional at the drop of a hat. Again, I hate being a girl.

My kids speak to how wonderful their father is. If it wasn't a complete invasion of privacy, I'd type out the lengthy note that Cassie put in Dave's card today. It made me tear up. They are a testament to what a great dad he is. The boys are always so excited when he comes home from work, or when he comes downstairs in the mornings on the weekends.

He's not perfect. He loses his temper. He forgets to do homework and things on the nights I'm working. He doesn't cook that much (which of course, makes him awesome "McDonald's" or "pizza" dad. So what? He's supportive, loving, and most of the time, the true sense of reason in our house.

Last night, for example, I told Cassie she couldn't do something. He was right there (in private of course, never undermining my parenting in front of the kids) to tell me that perhaps I was being too harsh and not thinking things through. Our kids are truly his #1 priority. Other parents SAY their kids are, but David shows it. Every day. He is always thinking of them and seeing things from their point of view. A rarity, I think.

I feel very lucky that he's the father of my children. Yup, sappy. That's me!!

Liquid Crack

2008-06-15T12:06:00.004-04:00

Specifically, the hazelnut flavor.

Seriously, I can't get enough of it. I'm buying it daily. I know it's not good for me, but damn it, I want it.

If I could have it inserted directly into my veins, I would. Does that make me weak? Yup.

Do I care?

Nope.

2008-06-11T13:10:00.001-04:00

Gabrielle Keiran Dreistadt
Age 12 Honor student worked with animals, volunteered at Fulton church.
By Frederick N. Rasmussen | Sun Reporter
June 11, 2008
Article tools
E-mail Share
Digg Del.icio.us Facebook Fark Google Newsvine Reddit Yahoo Print Reprints Text size: Gabrielle Keiran Dreistadt, a Wilde Lake Middle School honor student who worked with abused animals and through her church assisted senior citizens and others who needed a spare hand, died of aplastic anemia Thursday at Johns Hopkins Hospital. The Columbia resident was 12.

Gabrielle, who was born and raised in Columbia, was diagnosed in March with the disease that took her life. Aplastic anemia occurs when bone marrow fails to produce sufficient blood cells.

"She was a strong and healthy girl who suddenly got sick," said her mother, Holly Anne Conti of Columbia.

Gabrielle, a sixth-grader, was popular with students and teachers.

"She was a great kid and a dream student. She was hard-working, cheerful, friendly and worked well with the other students. I could put her into any group of students and she was fine," said Rebecca J. Feldwick, who teaches reading at Wilde Lake Middle.

"She was an advocate for students who needed help. She'd come to me and say, 'So and so needs a little extra help,'" Mrs. Feldwick said.

Gabrielle, who had a voracious appetite for reading, was always asking Mrs. Feldwick for book suggestions.

She added: "I only wish that I could have had a hundred students like Gabrielle. I was so blessed to have had her as a student."

Gabrielle learned and enjoyed playing alto saxophone.

"She also enjoyed writing music, ceramics and making jewelry," her mother said. "She also loved cats and especially her cat Stormy."

She attended church regularly with her mother at Grace Community Church in Fulton, where she was an active youth group member, enjoyed Bible study and participated in community outreach projects.

"Gabrielle was an incredible gift to us all. She had a smile that would knock you over, and when she walked into a room, the place would light up," said the Rev. Shaun Smithson, the church's pastor.

"She'd join other members of the youth group in baking cookies for members of the Fire Department. They'd go to a local grocery store and put all the carts back or help a senior citizen carry their grocery bags," Mr. Smithson said.

Gabrielle also volunteered with Day's End, an organization in western Howard County that cares for abused and injured horses, her mother said.

Joanna F. Grabau was one of the leaders of Gabrielle's Bible study group at her church.

"She was humble and kind and had the ability to make those around her feel good," Ms. Grabau said.

Lauren N. Barkley, who also teaches Bible study at Grace, is a registered nurse at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

"Gabrielle wasn't my patient, but I'd go and visit. One day after she had been in the hospital for two months, she said, 'This really stinks.' Can you imagine all she'd been through and that's all she could say?" Miss Barkley said.

"She had incredible courage. I never, ever heard her complain about what was going on," she said.

Gabrielle had traveled to California with her father, Mark Dreistadt of Columbia, who also had taken her on a visit to Ireland for spring break this year.

Joanna M. Tanner, who teaches geography at Wilde Lake Middle, was one of her favorite teachers.

"I've been crying for days. She was one of the sweetest students I've ever taught," Mrs. Tanner said.

"We bonded over our Irish heritage, and she had done a cultural project on Ireland for our class. She was so happy that she was going to Ireland for break, and we looked forward to hearing her talk about her trip. Of course, she never made it back to our classroom."

Services will be held at 2:30 p.m. today at her church, 8200 Old Columbia Road.

In addition to her parents, Gabrielle is survived by a brother, Alex Dreistadt; a half-sister, Rhiannon Reichenbach of Sunbury, Pa; her maternal grandparents, Richard and Clara Conti of Pittsburgh; and many aunts, uncles and cousins.

It's not always about you...

2008-06-10T22:23:00.002-04:00

It's time to be a grown up.

It's time to do something I don't want to do. Put my petty feelings aside and just be there for my friend.

Her daughter is dead. I got the call this afternoon. I haven't spoken to her in a while, but we used to hang out a lot. We were in the PTA together (her twins were in Alex's grade. In fact, her son is an Alex as well, so they were Alex D and Alex B) and we used to make fun of all the "PTA" moms and roll our eyes during meetings. So much fun. She's such an awesome person.

And now the worst thing that could possibly happen to a person has happened to her. Her daughter is dead and her son is an only child. That poor boy. Poor Alex D :(

I will be there for her tomorrow. I will dress up, be prompt, and offer whatever help I can. Then I will stay and attend the funeral of a 12 year old girl, even though every part of me is screaming that I can't handle it. I know I can't.

But I have to.

For my friend.

When do you throw in the towel?

2008-06-08T13:02:00.002-04:00

I've been part of this online community for nearly 6 years now. Many of the women I post with, I consider to be very good friends. I've met people from all over the world and it's always a very interesting place to be. I have worked close with admin on a lot of issues with the site and feel party responsible for what a cool place it's turned out to be.

But the thing is...it doesn't make me happy there anymore. There are very few boards where I want to post and be involved. Really, the only one that comes to mind is the Atheist/Agnostic Families board. Those women kick some serious ass. There are some other boards that I've enjoyed very much in the past that are driving me absolutely bonkers right now.

I'm tired of the rules. I'm tired of feeling like a child who has mommy and daddy watching her every move. I'm exceptionally tired of the bitches who get away with breaking the rules and never get punished. Or they get a little punishment, a slap on the hand, but then admin gives them a nice wink and nod like "hey, I wouldn't punish you if I didn't HAVE to, but I'm doing it to shut up the trouble makers who are mad about it." Mostly, I'm just tired.

I mostly only feel stress when I'm there. I love the A/A board, and I don't want to leave those ladies. There are so many women there who need non-religious support and some who are scared to 'come out' as it were and I want to be there to help them be confident in their lack of religious faith.

But, is it worth all the heartache?

I want to walk away completely, but I don't know if I have the willpower. There's a private board that's very close to my heart that I fought and fought to get. Unforunately, there are new members popping up there all the time that need help and, honestly, a lot of the members on that board look to me to respond to the threads. I can't leave those women. THey are hurting so much and need to hear that they can get through things and not completely crumble.

I'm just so very torn.

A part of me wants to go out in a blaze of glory and tell this one user off who I think is one of the most vile, disgusting, and ungodly people I've ever met. She, of course, thinks she's the perfect Christian - way better than the others on the site. She makes me vomit. I want to tell her everything I've ever wanted to say - I will surely be banned if I do that.

Maybe that's what I need to get completely away from the place. The entire site, as a whole, just sucks the life out of me. I get so angry and depressed being around there.

Seems like an obvious decision eh? Not so much - I've posted with some of these women for 6 years...that's a long time.

What to do, what to do.

I LOVE TOP CHEF!!!!!!!!

2008-06-08T13:00:00.001-04:00

That is all.

Sometimes, I hate being a girl

2008-06-07T11:48:00.002-04:00

I pride myself in being a relatively strong person. I don't break down and cry over nothing. I think I handle myself well in pressure situations and I'm calm as crap during emergencies.

But every once in a while.

That girly shit comes out.

And I hate it.

I especially hate it when other people hear about it. I just got a call from my female boss (who is married to my male boss) asking me if I'm ok and what's going on. This woman is 6 months older than me, 6 months, yet I feel like she's my mom sometimes. She can drag ANYTHING out of me, no matter how much I wanna keep it to myself. So let's rewind, shall we?

I stayed up too late last night, contributing to the funniest thread in history with Nadine. I figured, I could sleep in this morning.

No such good luck.

Zack was up at 7:30. I was able to fall back asleep until 8am, when the phone rang. We've been out of hot water since Tuesday and the repair man was supposed to come today. That was them saying he would be here. Ok, great.

I go back to sleep.

I'm awakened, yet again, by the boys trying to kill each other (this is pretty much a daily occurence). I'm getting pissed now. I think at some point Dave came in and decided it was probably best to leave me be, for fear of death. I FINALLY fall back asleep.

10:30 my cell phone goes off with the distinctive "work" ringtone. Fuck. It's my male boss, and he's NOT happy. Apparently, the prep person didn't come into work this morning. "How's your morning?" he asks. "Crappy" I said. "It's about to get worse" he chimes in. Greeaaaat. So, he's yelling and venting, which he is apt to do. We hang up and, silly me, I decide to fix the situation. I call the other manager, who is on her way in an ask her if she can call this one guy to come in and help because I don't have his phone number. She does. He says he will come in to help, but that's not ok with male boss. Male boss is pissed and throwing a fit because he doesn't want THAT guy to come in.

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick. Short of me, myself, and I coming in and prepping (I have to close tonight, let's not forget that), he's not going to be happy with anything I come up with. Well, not that involves this one employee. So, Erin (manager) calls me back and tells me that boss is pissed and yelling at her. I absolutely lost it at that point.

What am I supposed to do? I have no hot water - I smell bad, I'm not going to lie. I need a fucking shower I needed it yesterday, if you want me to be honest. I'm trying to help out the situation and I'm getting shit on.

I do not like crying over stupid shit. I was just sooooo tired and this just pissed me right the hell off.

Flash forward an hour and my phone rings with that telltale ringtone again - but it's my female boss's cell phone. She wants to know what's going on that I'm crying because her husband yelled at me. I have a tough skin, she knows this.

I have no good reason for crying about this, other than out of pure frustration and being a girl. I don't like being a girl.

I want a penis.

Um, I'm not Jewish....

2008-06-06T21:27:00.003-04:00

So how did my kid end up with a jew fro?

EXHIBIT A (The only 'normal' picture, which I had to beg him to let me take by promising to take several 'dorky' pictures afterward):

Yes, I know he looks like a girl there - what can I do, he looks like me!

Ninja Master:

Opera Singer:

This is his favorite thing to do when I go to take a normal picture. He will smile all cute and as soon as he sees the little green light blink, he does this:

I'm pretty sure I could make a slideshow of just THAT face. In fact, I'll just do it right here, let me check out my photobucket account:

He started young - this was his 4th birthday:

Or sometimes, he does this:

Man, he cracks me up.